Donald Trump Wants Everyone To Check Out Alicia Machado’s “Sex Tape”

September 30, 2016 / Posted by:

I know, I’m really not right for not putting a “TRIGGER WARNING” above that close-up picture of Trump. Never forgive me that.

Early this morning, while many of us were in a deep sleep, dreaming about puppies, Alexander Skarsgard and Double-Doubles, Donald Trump was sitting straight up on the California King-sized tanning bed he sleeps in and orange grenade smoke shot out of his ears as he continued to rage over the Alicia Machado situation. Jabba the Trump grabbed his phone and used his roasted baby carrot fingers to furiously tweet more shit about Alicia Machado. Trump is staying bothered!

If you have no idea what this Alicia Machado situation is about, then stand back and take in the hot glares of jealousy from those of us who wish we were as innocent in the mind as you. But if you want to know, then Alicia is Miss Universe 1996 and she’s been dragging Trump and campaigning for Hillary Clinton. Alicia, who was born in Venezuela, said that during her reign as Miss Universe, Trump called her “Miss Piggy” and “Miss Housekeeping.” Hillary brought up Alicia Machado during the debates and said that she became a U.S. citizen just so she can vote against the barbecued piece of gristle. The day after the debate, Trump called into Fox & Friends and mouth farted about how Alicia was the worst Miss Universe of all-time and that she gained a bunch of chunk, which was a problem. Trump later said that the Miss Universe organization wanted to snatch Alicia’s crown away, but he convinced them not to and saved her job.

Trump is obviously still mad about it, because at around 5 this morning, he went off again in a few tweets where he called Alicia “disgusting” and said to check out her sex tape. Yes, Trump was rage-tweeting at 5am. (“Yeeaaaaaaowwwww, what did I tell you all?screamed Dr. Howard Dean somewhere.)

Like (NSFW) Melania Trump, Alicia Machado has posed nipples-out naked before and she boned a dude under the sheets on a Big Brother-style Spanish reality show in 2005. That’s not really a “sex tape” to me. It’s not a sex tape unless you see some fuck-part-going-into-a-fuck-part action. Who can fap to a grainy clip of some moving sheets?! Well, apparently Donald Trump can, because you know before he tweeted those tweets, he used his sweaty Dooneese hands to hate-fap to Alicia’s “sex tape.” It’s actually pretty impressive that Trump was able to type those tweets with his sticky fingers.

And here’s Alicia Machado campaigning for Hillary in Miami last month:


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