Ever since Angelina Jolie filed for divorce from Brad Pitt a little over a week ago, there’s been no end to the stories about how shitty Brad is. Brad is a mean drunk and stoner. Brad is a cheater. Brad is a bad daddy. It felt like someone was spinning a Wheel of Defamation and releasing a story about whatever bad thing the needle landed on. According to UsWeekly, that’s pretty much it, and the person doing the spinning is Angelina Jolie.
There have been whispers that Angelina wants to drag Brad’s name through the mud. We can upgrade that from “whispers” to “maybe-true rumors.” Sources recently told UsWeekly that Angelina is determined to “destroy” Brad during their divorce proceedings. Hell hath no fury like a saint scorned, apparently. Angelina and her “inner circle” are currently running a “smear campaign” against Brad. The sources claim that it’s not too difficult to throw Brad under the bus; they swear he’s got a rage problem.
They also say that Angelina has been plotting out how to leave Brad and get physical custody of their six kids, and Brad’s alleged freak-out on a plane with Maddox Jolie-Pitt two weeks ago was the perfect angle to play. Angelina really wants to take the child army overseas to do full-time humanitarian work, and she thinks that destroying Brad’s reputation will guarantee her the sole custody she needs to do that. There’s also a 0.00% chance she and Brad will kiss and make up; Angelina lives by an “if it’s broke, throw it out” philosophy, and so her relationship with Brad is headed straight for the trash.
On to who exactly is in Angelina’s “inner circle.” According to Page Six, the group huddled around the cheekbone-shaped boardroom table in Angelina’s takedown lair includes Lady Arminka Helic and Chloe Dalton, both former aides to Britian’s former Foreign Secretary Minister William Hague. Lady Arminka also manages St. Angie’s charity. A source says their job is to call media outlets and whisper stuff like “Brad’s a drunk, pass it on.” Another source claims that Lady Arminka and Chloe have been the ones urging news outlets to break open their piggy banks and buy that video of Brad allegedly going Daddy Dearest on Maddox. One source claims Lady Arminka and Chloe tagged along with Angie when she filed the divorce papers.
I think the most surprising thing I learned from all these sources isn’t that Jesus’ long-lost Earth sister Angelina Jolie might have a heart of pure coal and a thirst for revenge, but that she has friends that are women. You were wrong, Chelsea Handler! Angelina Jolie does have girlfriends! Except instead of getting drunk on boxed wine while watching a Dating Naked marathon, they scheme to ruin the reputation of their best friend’s ex-husband. Just a typical girl’s girl, you know?