Justin Theroux has started doing promo for The Girl On The Train and so we should expect that every interview he does will start with the question, “The Girl On The Train is about a girl on a train and Angelina Jolie is a girl and I’m sure she’s been on a train before, so what do you think about her dumping Brad and can you even hear this question since I’m sure your eardrums burst from the sound barrier-breaking laugh that Jennifer Aniston let out over the news?” Business Insider asked Jennifer Aniston’s hot hipster piece about the breakup of our modern day Adam and Eve and he said that his heart feels for the child army and saying anything other than that is yawn worthy.
These are the words that came out of Justin Theroux’s mouth about the split of Brangelina:
“As a child of divorce, all I can say is that’s terrible news for those children, and that’s all you can really say. It’s boring to sort of comment on anything else. People are having a bad time — that’s horrible.”
Justin was then asked for his thoughts on the tabloids grabbing his wife by the ankle and dragging her back into the Brangelina mess. Justin basically quoted important millennial philosopher Selena Gomez by saying, “There are more important things to talk about. Why can’t people use their voice for something that fucking matters?”
“There’s an endless appetite for trash, apparently, though everyone would say that they don’t have that appetite. But I think a lot of people do because people buy it. But there are bigger things to bitch about. It’s shocking how much bandwidth things can take up when there are far more important things going on in the world.”
“Everyone would say that they don’t have that appetite.” I’m not included in that “everyone.” Because I’m writing about Justin Theroux’s thoughts on Brangelina’s divorce, so I obviously gobble up the trash like it’s a hard 9″ inch dick that spews out Arby’s horsey sauce. But Justin is right. Business Insider’s reporter should’ve asked him about more important things like the Syrian refugee crisis and if his bundle of baby potatoes bulge makes a cameo appearance in The Girl On The Train.
And if you want to follow Justin’s advice and use your bandwidth for more important things, get into these highly important pictures of his wife hustling for Smart Water while wearing an evil-eye necklace. Jennifer’s probably wearing that necklace to ward off St. HomeWreckerlina who is definitely going to try to use her bull dozer vagina to snatch away Justin Theroux. But seriously, that evil-eye necklace is obviously a tie-in to her annoying EyeLove campaign. Jennifer’s hustling skills really are next level.