Last week we learned that Brad Pitt was being investigated for child abuse after an anonymous complaint was made almost two weeks ago claiming that a beyond-drunk Brad had gotten abusive with 15-year-old Maddox Jolie-Pitt during a fight with Angelina Jolie on their private jet. A source close to Brad claimed that it was nothing more than just a tipsy parent-child argument that escalated. The details of what happened were all a little murky. Apparently the people investigating the situation think so too.
According to TMZ, Brad probably won’t be prosecuted for any alleged assault that happened. Multiple sources connected with the investigation tell TMZ that thanks to conflicting reports of what happened that day, there’s no way to prove that Brad is an intentionally bad daddy. TMZ says that after hearing everyone’s stories, it sounds like it went down like this: Maddox said something to Brad that pissed him off, Brad lunged at Maddox, Angie stepped in, Brad made some kind of physical contact with Maddox’s shoulder area.
TMZ says that Brad might be in the clear or a bunch of reasons. It would be really difficult for prosecutors to prove that Brad intentionally hit Maddox, the DCFS didn’t find any injuries on Maddox, and no one filed a police report after it happened. However, DCFS isn’t done talking to the Jolie-Pitt kids; they want to discuss their parents and their lives. I hope the DCFS has an agent familiar with rich kids of Hollywood A-listers, otherwise everything the Jolie-Pitt kids tell them is going to sound completely crazy. “Once a week we take the limo to our favorite toy store and we’re allowed to buy anything under $5000. If we’ve been really good, we take the helicopter to the McDonald’s head office and Ronald McDonald himself cooks us chicken McNuggets! I sleep in a bed stuffed with torn-up pieces of the real Grimace.”
This also isn’t the last fight Brad will be having that involves his kids. TMZ says that there’s a good chance this shit between Brad and Angelina could turn into a Kramer vs. Kramer-style custody drama over their collection of kids. But only their kids. Brad and Angie have only been married for two years, and they have a tight prenup that says exactly who gets what, money and property-wise. Brangelina is reportedly worth $400 million and they’ve got 12 properties together, and they already know who gets what. 7 of the properties were bought by Brad and 2 were bought by Angelina before they started dating. They purchased 3 properties – Chateau Miraval in France, a house in New Orleans, and an apartment in NYC – before they got married, but the prenup will make it easy to determine who takes which places. As for who gets that family restaurant paper table cloth-looking wedding dress, my guess is: the trash.
Instead, TMZ says that their biggest, messiest fight will be over their mini model United Nations. And it’s all because Angelina wants a full-time job with the actual United Nations. Brad got a divorce lawyer last week and plans on fighting for joint custody. Car pooling and weekend visits are going to be a little difficult to plan if Angelina has her way. Sources tell TMZ that Angelina’s dream job is to go from UN Goodwill Ambassador to the UN’s top official. She has two political advisers and a “war room” to plot her UN takeover. A full-time job with the UN means a lot more traveling to war-torn countries, something Brad wasn’t crazy about. Sources say Brad was always supportive of St. Angie’s charity work, but he didn’t want the kids being dragged along with her. The last straw came when Angelina wanted to take the children to Syria to help rebuild it, and Brad wasn’t having it.
Even though we’re dealing with famous millionaire celebrities here, this custody situation is still a no-win for the child army. Mom’s house sucks because you’re constantly getting woken up at 6am to do charity work when all you really want to do is hunt Pokemons and watch Regular Show. Dad’s house sucks because it smells like burnt plants and you’re woken up every morning by him yelling: “Hey! Which one of you ground a bunch of sour cream and onion chips into my carpet? And don’t blame it on me, I passed out on a bag of BBQ chips last night.”