I’m glad that after all the unpredictability of yesterday, we can still count on the New York Post to come through with a very New York Post-y cover.
I figured that about 0.6 seconds after one of Angelina Jolie’s minions dropped a copy of those divorce papers off at Brad Pitt’s stoner hovel, there would be a crowd of reporters outside Jennifer Aniston’s house screaming for a statement. “Jen, just how loud did you laugh when you heard the news?” “Jen, will you be celebrating with a huge party or a case of wine at Chelsea Handler’s house?” That didn’t happen, but several sources spilled the details of Jen’s feelings to UsWeekly. And yeah, those Jen reaction memes on Twitter were pretty accurate.
One source tell UsWeekly that Jennifer talked about the Brangelina divorce to a “longtime pal” and said, “Yeah, that’s karma for you!” The source claims that Jen has always had a sense that shit would go down between them eventually. Jen is totally that person who chirps “How you get him is how you’ll lose him!” when they hear about someone’s low-down dirty hookup. The source added some shade by saying this of Brad:
“[Jen] didn’t feel that Angelina was truly the one who Brad was meant to stay with. She always felt that Angelina was too complex for him. He’s a pretty simple guy.”
AKA Brad is a simpleton who gets distracted by stray threads on his t-shirt when Angelina talks about anything deeper than his favorite kind of Cheetos. “Yeah, Brad like those ones that make the crunch-crunch-crunch sound. Do we got Angie?”
While it sounds like Jennifer Aniston is skipping around her house to a dance remix of “Jolene“, another source says that she’s not taking any joy in their divorce. The source says Jen feels “satisfied” that this is how it ended between her cheater ex-husband and that tomb raiding tramp, but she also “never wanted this for them or wished this on them.” The source adds that Jen is in a happy place right now (being married to The Bulge will do that to you) and she wishes he were in a happy place too. She also doesn’t hold any negativity from their 2005 split.
Someone a little farther removed from the situation also has thoughts. Adele, the official soundtrack of dead relationships everywhere, dedicated her concert at Madison Square Garden in NYC last night to Brad and Angie’s split.
In case you can’t watch, she says:
“Brangelina are broken up. I don’t like gossiping, and private lives should be private, but I thought it was the end of an era, so I’m dedicating the show tonight to them, because honestly, I’m really really sad. Genuinely. I don’t know them at all, but I was shocked when I woke up this morning, no word of a lie.”
It’s too bad Adele doesn’t booze it up as much as she used to, because I would have given the healthiest part of my liver to hear Drunk Adele’s thoughts on the matter. I’m pretty confident that she would have pulled an Aniston. “Oi, Brangeleeener broke up, yeah? Damn near fell out of bed and landed on me arse when I found out! (Takes long drag on cigarette) That’s a whole lot of karma innit? Sorry Ange!”
Pic: New York Post