This December will be the 20th anniversary of JonBenet Ramsey’s murder, so a ton of networks did an investigative Making A Murderer-type special about it. A&E, Investigation Discovery and Dateline NBC aired specials, but it’s CBS’ two-part, four-hour documentary, The Case of: JonBenét Ramsey, that made the Ramsey family call up their lawyer. At the end of CBS’ special, the experts declared that they believe that 6-year-old JonBenet’s 9-year-old brother Burke Ramsey killed her, and the Ramsey family doesn’t like that at all.
CBS got a panel of WORLD-RENOWNED experts to spend months analyzing all of the evidence and speaking to friends, officials and the 911 operator who took the call from Patsy Ramsey. CBS even built replicas of key rooms in a warehouse for the experts to go through. I finished watching it last night, and it seemed like from the beginning the experts were leaning toward the theory that a family member did it and the rest helped to cover it up. That’s what they went with.
CBS told us that before JonBenet was born, John and Patsy Ramsey covered Burke with attention. But when JonBenet came along, most of his parents’ focus went to her and he got jealous. One friend, who had photographed the Ramsey family, said that Burke was known to rage and alleged that he hit JonBenet in the face with a golf club once. It was alleged that Burke once covered the walls of the Ramsey house with caca and even put some in a box of candy that was in JonBenet’s bedroom. John and Patsy swore that Burke was asleep during all of that chaos that went down after JonBenet was discovered missing. But after Patsy talked to the 911 operator, she thought that she hung up the phone when she really didn’t. The 911 recording caught muffled voices and experts believe one of the voices was Burke’s. They played us the “enhanced” recording and my ears didn’t hear shit, but this is what the experts claimed to have heard through headphones:
John Ramsey: We’re not speaking to you.
Patsy Ramsey: What did you do? Help me, Jesus.
Burke Ramsey: What did you find?
The experts all agreed that they believe that on that night, Patsy gave Burke a bowl of pineapple. JonBenet was supposed to be asleep in her bedroom, but she came downstairs and stole a piece of Burke’s pineapple. Burke got mad at her and chased her before hitting her on the head with a heavy flashlight. JonBenet’s official cause of death is listed as “asphyxia by strangulation associated with craniocerebral trauma,” but experts say getting hit with the flashlight is what killed her. They even got a boy to hit a blond wig-covered skull with a flashlight to prove that a 9-year-old could do it. That scene was the most fucked-up thing I’ve seen on CBS since Viva Laughlin.
The experts think that John and Patsy strangled her and staged the scene to make it look like a kidnapper did it. I’ll patiently wait you here as you splatter holy water at your screen while shouting “DARK-SIDED” over and over again.
Pineapple was found in JonBenet’s system during the autopsy and investigators found a bowl of pineapple in the kitchen. When Burke was shown a picture of the bowl of pineapple during his interview with authorities, he froze up a bit. So the experts went with Burke in the kitchen with the flashlight.
At the end of CBS’ special, they threw up a disclaimer that basically read: THIS IS JUST A THEORY! THIS IS NOT FACT! DO NOT SUE US!
The Ramsey family lawyer told Reuters that disclaimer didn’t go far enough and he plans to sue CBS:
L. Lin Wood, an Atlanta attorney who said he had successfully other media outlets over similar accusations against Burke Ramsey, branded the program as a broadcast riddled with “lies, misrepresentations, distortions and omissions.”
“I will be filing a lawsuit on behalf of Burke Ramsey,” Wood told Reuters in a telephone interview. “CBS’ false and unprofessional attacks on this young man are disgusting and revolting.”
Burke Ramsey may have know that CBS’ special was going to name him as the prime suspect in his sister’s murder, because he let the Humpy Dumpty of psychology Dr. Phil interview him. Dr. Phil also talked to John Ramsey. (Patsy Ramsey died in 2006.) Burke denied that anybody in his family had something to do with his sister’s murder and he believes a pedo did it. Burke gave a lot of people “Elijah Wood mixed with Norman Bates” vibes and many were creeped out as he giggled while talking about his sister’s murder. Dr. Phil defended him and said his giggling was from nerves:
Whether or not Burke did it, you better believe that nobody is ever going to touch his pineapple again. CBS made sure of that. Burke works at home, but if he ever gets a job in an office, Jean the office manager isn’t even going to look at the carton of pineapple with his name on it in the break room refrigerator. Jean is going to stay away from that pineapple like it’s a salad with no dressing. And on his first day, every one of his co-workers is going to say, “Hi Burke, I just want to let you know that I am highly, highly allergic to pineapple.”