Yesterday, my thoughts and prayers were with the president of the West Coast chapter of the Brangeloonies, Chelsea Hander, because I know that Brangelina is her favorite couple in the history of love. Chelsea has said time and time again that Angelina Jolie has a wonderful soul, a kind spirit, is a girl’s girl and she wishes they were best friends. So I just knew that all day yesterday, Chelsea was probably crying out hot vodka tears while she lay in the fetal position on her bathroom floor and punched at the sky as she screamed, “Why, God, why?!” (Side note: I’m jealous of Chelsea’s dog, because I wish I could get drunk for free by licking up her vodka tears.)
I thought that Chelsea would need to take a lengthy sad-bbatical to deal with the break-up of Brangelina, but she somehow pulled her emotions together and was able to shoot an episode of her Netflix show. As her dried and chapped tear ducts quivered (since she already cried out all the liquid in her body), Chelsea gave a heartfelt eulogy for Brangelina. And of course, I mean the opposite of all of that since Chelsea hates St. Angie more than she’d hate getting eaten out by a piranha with an overbite.
Jennifer Aniston’s tequila and tanning sister ended a new episode of her show, which came out today, by chiming in and yup, bitch went in:
“Brad and Angelina always said they wouldn’t get married until everyone could get married and I always said I wouldn’t get married until they got divorced. So I’m officially accepting proposals. I’m ready!
There are rumors that part of the problem was that Brad was allegedly drinking and smoking too much weed. I wonder why he needed to self-medicate? Maybe because he could have been spending the last twelve years at Lake Como, hanging out with George Clooney and Matt Damon instead of being stuck in a house with 85 kids, speaking 15 different languages. Oh yeah and because he married a fucking lunatic! That’s why!
But we should all respect their privacy during this difficult time. So this will be the last time I speak of this….on TV. You can follow me on Twitter.”
Okay, actually she didn’t go completely in. The Chelsea Handler of the olden days would’ve said, “Oh yeah and because he married a fucking lunatic cunt!” So yeah, Chelsea has totally gone soft!
— Chelsea (@Chelseashow) September 21, 2016