Brangelina may be over, but at least we’ll always have these wax figures of her looking like a brown-headed fun house mirror Mena Suvari and him looking like Willie Nelson after falling asleep in the sun with Crisco on his face.
TMZ posted the divorce papers that Angelina Jolie filed yesterday, and I had to double check to make sure she really put “irreconcilable differences” as the reason for why her marriage is done and not “By The Sea.” St. Angie also said in the documents that she wants to share legal custody of the child army, but she wants sole physical custody with Brad Pitt getting visitation rights. St. Angie reportedly wants sole custody, because Brad is an angry stoner drunk and she thinks he’s a danger to their 6 kids. Team Brad is fighting back and shitting on those claims. Brad may ask for joint physical custody, which means that shit could get messier than the back of his chonies when he lets out a Taco Bell-infused stoner shart.
Sources tell TMZ that St. Angie’s side has committed a holy sin by spitting out lies about him being a threat to their kids. The sources say that he’s a devoted father and would never do anything to put his children in harm’s way. In fact, sources say that Brad believes St. Angie is the one who has messed with the child army’s safety by turning their divorce into a melodramatic escandalo. Brad apparently talked to St. Angie over the last few days and told her that they need to handle the divorce like adults and keep it low-key. But because she asked for sole physical custody, she’s created a whole lot of chaos and now the paparazzi will be all over all of them including the children. A different source tells InTouch Weekly that when he responds to Angie’s divorce papers, he’s going to ask for joint physical custody.
St. Angie put September 10, 2016 as the day they separated, but a source tells Entertainment Tonight that their marriage started circling the drain last year. They haven’t really slept in the same bed and they regularly fought about how to parent their kids. Brad is more structured and strict and Angie is more free in her parenting. Yet another source tells UsWeekly that some kind of “incident” that “affected the entire family” happened a week ago and that’s what pushed her to file for divorce. UsWeekly’s source says that Brad was blindsided by St. Angie’s divorce filing and didn’t find out until yesterday, the day she filed. Lainey also says that Brad was blindsided.
Didn’t Brad Pitt come out of the womb with a joint in his mouth? Brad Pitt has been a mega stoner (off-and-on, so he says) for a while. But I see what St. Angie is doing here. She’s trying to make it look like the good shit is a bad thing so she can get sole physical custody of the child army and use them to rule the world! We all knew that one day, the child army would be our overlords and we’d spend our days making them black clothes in a factory. It looks like that day is coming sooner than we thought!
And because CNN knows what news stories are really important, they asked Brad Pitt’s brofriend George Clooney about the fall of Brangelina. George didn’t know and it looks like he’s wondering who’s going to get custody of him in the divorce.