Kardashian barnicle Jonathan Cheban, having tired of his occupation as “Kim’s douchebag bestie” has now decided he’s a food expert. He calls himself @FoodGod on Snapchat and, SPOILER ALERT, he’s still a douchebag except now he’s a menu expert. This interview he did with GQ actually made me feel sorry for Kim, Khloe, and the rest of the koven. They hang out with this fool. Feeling anything but revulsion for the K-Klan made me want to close my laptop and sign in to a monastery because where else can you turn when that happens? GQ went to dinner at NYC’s Tao restaurant with Jonathan and sparkling gems were mined.
“They always order for me here so I never look at this menu,” he says, looking at the menu. Quickly scanning the pages, his eyes alight on lobster soup dumplings. “This is what I do. I need to read it and then smell out what’s going to be amazing. It’s a talent. Like I can look at the menu and just look at the ingredients and be like, This will end up being amazing.”
This gets worse. Apparently, ordering rock shrimp cheapens you and your tablemates. (I’m curious as to what this nincompoop thinks isn’t cheapening. No, I’m not.)
“Rock shrimp is so generic. Anyone I go to Nobu with who gets rock shrimp, I freak out on them. Every novice is like, Can I have the rock shrimp? Then I’m always like, Don’t order rock shrimp with me. It’s such a bad look on the table. It cheapens me. I’m embarrassed about it. That’s the stuff I ordered for the first 10 years eating at Nobu. “
Still there? Are you a masochist or something? If so, slap yourself in the face with more of him. For instance, he’s playing with macrons.
Cheban aims to be to food what his friends the Kardashians are to fame. He has a handle—@FoodGod—and a tagline ”Amaaaaazing.” His fans are legion. On Snapchat, his primary mode of communication, each post receives an average of 250,000 views. He also has 1.8 million followers on Instagram. Sometimes he styles himself Foodgōd—“It makes it pop!” he says, “and it looks like a halo!” Sometimes he doesn’t bother with the macron. “I’m a food environmentalist,” he says, “I’m about the food and the ambiance.”
Umlauts, accent marks, and apostrophes all just collectively exhaled over dodging the bullet that is this asshole using them to spice up his obnoxious Snapchat persona. 1.8 million people?!?! You could be taking a course or planting trees or plucking individual pubic hairs out of your body!
Oh, there’s more…
“I definitely want to be like a Guy Fieri or Anthony Bourdain for the young and hot. That would be amaaazing.”
My kingdom for when angry and opinionated foodie Anthony Bourdain reads this mess. You can always count on Bourdain to pour some (vintage, of course) piss on a celebrity food expert’s hopes and dreams.
Now that I think about it, Cheban here is actually filling a necessary gap in our culture. “The young and hot” need to be told about the mortifying vulgarity of rock shrimp. Kids, if you go to a nice place like Nobu, DO NOT order the rock shrimp. Foodgōd might flit over to your table to curse you out.