Ryan Seacrest, the evil goblin who was born after a satanic leprechaun jizzed on a piece of foil covered with peroxide cream, is reportedly dating a girl. I’ll let Brit Brit Spears, once again, take it from here:
E! News says that the uncanny valley gremlin has got himself a new piece, three years after things ended with Julianne Hough. Their source says that 41-year-old Ryan and 35-year-old model Adriana Lima, who broke up with her hot possum-eyed husband two years ago, went on a “romantic” date at a restaurant called Dell’Anima in NYC over the weekend after hanging out in Rio during the Olympics. The details of this “romantic” date are about as shallow as Ryan’s personality, so we’ll just have to make shit up on our own.
I’m guessing that Ryan and Adriana had chaperones (read: two publicists) with them, because they needed someone to hold their bodies back as they tried to fight the urge to rip each other’s clothes off and get into some hot heterosexual fuck times right there on the table in front of everyone. I’m also guessing that they shared a romantic meal by candlelight, which wasn’t so much candlelight as it was a light from an iPhone so that they’d be able to read the short-term relationship contract their publicists wanted them to sign. And they walked out of the restaurant together hand-on-knee just in case the paparazzi that their “chaperones” texted showed up.
Adriana Lima is reportedly worth $90 million, so in the “reasons for signing up” section on the application at Beards ‘R Us, she probably wrote: attention. BUT WAIT!
Entertainment Tonight says that Adriana isn’t “dating” Ryan Seacrest, because she’s dating New England Patriots player Julian Edelman. So either Ryan’s home network E! got it wrong or Adriana is the kind of beard who is playing hard to get. I don’t know, but I do know that I wish Adriana Lima had an “n” at the end of her last name, because “SeaMan” would’ve been a perfect celebrity couple name.
Here’s Adriana Lima at some Maybelline event in NYC a few days ago, and her maybe-piece Julian Edelman at a fashion show in NYC earlier this year: