Six seconds after Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston decided not to renew their short-term contract, I mean, breakup, both of their PR teams stopped playing nice and prepared for battle. They took off their earrings, pulled their hair back and stretched the finger they’d need to call UsWeekly, TMZ, Life & Style, The Sun, The Daily Mail and all the other tabloid tricks out there. Taylor and Tom’s PR teams probably went from texting each other heart-shaped emojis while planning their clients’ next photo-op location to shanking at each other through the tabloids. It’s war!
UsWeekly was the first to report that our international nightmare was over after 3 long months. Their source said that Taylor dumped Tom, because he kept wanting to push their relationship into the spotlight and she, being the paparazzi-shy wallflower we all know her to be, wanted to keep it private. Well, now Tom’s side is shanking back. A “theater producer friend” of Tom’s tells Heatstreet (via The Daily Mail) that Taylor couldn’t have dumped Tom, because Tom dumped her ass. That theater producer said Tom doesn’t like to be tied down to one piece and whenever a relationship hits the 3 month mark, an alarm goes off in his dick letting him know that it’s time to move on.
“The reports are wide of the mark and come as news to all Tom’s friends. He grew tired of Taylor, it wasn’t the other way round. Tom drifted from her and it had nothing to do with her being put off by the publicity. It’s more to do with the fact he’s a commitment-phobe who gets bored very easily. Even his sisters affectionately chide him on his lack of relationship staying power.
Taylor has done to him what she claims Calvin Harris has done to her. But Tom will be upset that the reports have completely overshadowed a video he released to publicize UNICEF today.
They had a short break together in Rhode Island last month but it didn’t go that well because Tom was fixated with his fitness regime for Thor: Ragnorak, much to her displeasure. They agreed to end the relationship over the phone a few weeks later. Tom’s got a lot to say privately about Taylor. But just don’t expect him to say too much in the open when he next does the promotional rounds for the release of Kong: Skull Island next March.”
That source is really fucking good. They dropped 3 of Tom’s projects in there. Tom better hold on to that “source” tight before Taylor’s PR team swoops in to poach a bitch.
I love that they went with the “Tom gets bored very easily and is a mega slut” angle. Just like James Bond! I see what they did there. But really, bored with Taylor Swift? Impossible. What 30-something man wouldn’t want to spend his Saturday night making friendship bracelets for the squad before cuddling (Over pajamas! And no up the shirt action, mister!) for 10 minutes ? And yes, I realize that hate is rich coming from a 30-something man who spent his last Saturday night making a friendship collar for his chihuahua. But this isn’t about me!