Gwyneth Paltrow Is So Happy To Have Left A Career Where Everybody “Kissed Her Ass”

September 8, 2016 / Posted by:

Living room-temperature bottle of Evian Gwyneth Paltrow recently wrote an essay about being a successful business person for LinkedIn. Gwyneth Paltrow started out as “actress Gwyneth Paltrow“, then in 2008 turned into “actress with an online vanity project Gwyneth Paltrow.” But it sounds like she wants to be known as just “rich lady who runs goop.com” now.

It appears as though Gwyneth currently has two movies in production, but she says that she’s basically “walked away” from the whole actress thing. Gwyneth (sort-of) walked away from Hollywood because she has a lucrative rich lady website to run. And that’s great news for Goopy’s poor ass, since it was apparently getting chapped from Hollywood lips constantly kissing it.

“I (basically) walked away from a career where people kissed my ass to being grilled by a VC or my board. I used to worry about myself and myself alone, and now I am responsible for the livelihoods of 50+ people. These days I spend every waking hour trying to execute on a strategy I created with my team to make goop the number one global lifestyle brand (a girl can dream), while trying to get us to profitability before my series B runs out. All while being as professionally fulfilled and happy as I have ever been in my life. More so.”

Leaving all those ass-kissers couldn’t have come at a better time. After all, Gwyneth’s ass is so 2013; it’s all about her vagina now. Like, catch up, Hollywood. But I guess if Gwyneth ever misses the feeling of someone kissing her ass she could always call up Jessica Seinfeld.

Gwyneth wasn’t done with ass talk just yet. She also released this nugget of self-description delusion.

“I have always slightly been wrestling with this punk rock asshole kid inside me who wants to buck tradition and do things her own way. Sometimes that has landed me in hot water, but it’s all gotten me to where I am today.

The punk rock kid in me is essential to my decision making, but she needs to be tamed and she definitely needs to think before she speaks. Culture is everything. Hiring is everything. Thick skin is essential. Self-belief is paramount…Even though I am solidly in the trenches every day, goop is on its way to being much bigger than I am. A solidly un-Hollywood dream.”

Because nothing says “punk rock asshole” like a millionaire writing an essay for LinkedIn about how successful their online lifestyle business is, right? You can read the whole thing here. And then when you’re done, you can give yourself a much-needed laugh by reading Gwyneth describe goop.com as being a website for “busy b*&tches” on her LinkedIn page.

If there really is a punk rock asshole kid trapped inside Gwyneth (MySpace name: Spoiled Rotten), I would absolutely love to see what kind of stuff she’d push on goop.com. “Presenting the perfect squeegee for the crust punk who has it all, and yet longs for luxurious refinement while cleaning windshields. Polished calacatta marble handle, organic fair trade rubber blade, 24k gold channel and clips. Pairs elegantly with a charming vintage hammered steel suds bucket. Only $1398.

Pic: Splash

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