When the submarine missile with a six-pack named Michael Phelps got his second DUI in 2014, he got suspended from competitive swimming for 6 months. But well, since Ryan Lochte’s name is not Michael Phelps and he isn’t the golden boy dolphin of U.S. swimming, he got hit with a longer suspension for the gas station robbery he lied about (or “over-exaggerated” about) in Rio. What’s really ice cold is that the U.S. Olympic Committee, the International Olympic Committee and USA Swimming suspended Ryan for 10 months and he can’t even count that high.
The IOC, USA Swimming and USOC are supposed to announce Ryan’s punishment tomorrow, but USA Today got the news early through a source. Ryan won’t be allowed to compete in the 2017 world championship meet in Budapest next July.
Another source tells TMZ that the IOC, USA Swimming and the USOC all agreed to the 10-month suspension, but some within the organizations think they’re being way too harsh on Patrick Star’s spirit animal. The powers-that-be of the USOC supposedly debated a lot about Ryan’s punishment, because some thought it was weird that he’s getting a longer suspension than Michael Phelps, who could’ve killed someone. Ryan will also get additional penalties, which will be announced tomorrow, I guess.
The other swimmers (Gunnar Bentz, Jack Conger and Jimmy Feigen) were also suspended, but for not as long as Ryan. One of them got 4 months.
When Ryan is asked to respond about this, he’ll probably be like, “Whatever.” I mean, he’s got Dancing For Relevancy to compete on and he’s got cough drops to pimp out. He doesn’t need swimming! If they really wanted to hit him hard with a punishment, they should’ve locked his ass in a room with Al Roker for an hour. After just a few minutes of Al Roker calling him a lie-telling liar while viciously stirring a cocktail, Ryan would crack and promise to never tell a lie again. Fuck Scared Straight, I want Stirred Straight with Al Roker!