Tears are trickling out of millions of checking accounts today, because money-hungry Apple announced the new products that will milk all of the cash out of them. Apple butt burped up its new Apple Watch, headphone jack-less iPhone 7 and wireless “AirPods.” (They knew better than to call it AirBuds, because there’s only one AirBud who matters.)
The new iPhone is water-resistant, so now us dudes don’t have to worry about dropping it into the toilet as we scroll through Grindr while pissing. The iPhone 7 Plus has two cameras and both versions have one less hole. It was rumored a while ago that Apple decided that the iPhone 7 should be “jack off,” and they confirmed that mess today. When you want to listen to shit on your phone, you have to either use your own Bluetooth headphones or their new $159 wireless AirPods. Those overpriced AirPods look like a cross between futuristic Barbie hairdryers and robot vibrators, so I should be into them, but I’m not. I am not looking forward to some crazy mess losing it on a plane and making everyone in their section move because they lost their AirPods.
Yes, Apple is evil, but at least they threw in something for those of us who don’t want to mess with those dumb AirPods. Every new iPhone will have an adapter for wired headphones. That’s good, because one of my favorite pleasures in life is saying out loud, “Oh yeah, baby, stick the tip in, slow at first, but then shove it in… You know how I like it,” while plugging in my headphones.
And can trade your good kidney for a new iPhone 7 on September 16th, which is when they’ll be available. So yeah, expect your current iPhone to suddenly break on September 15th. I see you, Tim Cook!