The publicist of every famous and single white dude out there is pissed today. They were planning to ease into the work week after the long holiday, but now they can’t since they’ll have to spend all day sending head shots of their clients to Taylor Swift’s PR team, because she’ll need a new photo-op partner now that she and Tom Hiddleston are over! As the cherubs prepare to fly themselves into the sun since the meaning of “genuine love” is forever dead, we need to prepare our eye-rolling muscles since a new album is probably coming soon. I, for one, can’t wait for the track titled “This Our Swan (Pastry) Song.”
Those sources were right! After three months of terrorizing several countries with their blessed union and trying to convince the world that their relationship wasn’t born in a publicist’s office, ToTay is broken and done. Both People and UsWeekly confirm it. I’m going to guess that the name of UsWeekly’s source is Nils Sjoberg, because they say that Taylor dumped Tom. Tom wanted to be even more public than they already were and Taylor wanted it to be private. National Opposite Day isn’t until January, so the source is celebrating real early by farting out this hilarious backwards shit:
“She was the one to put the brakes on the relationship. Tom wanted the relationship to be more public than she was comfortable with. Taylor knew the backlash that comes with public displays of affection but Tom didn’t listen to her concerns when she brought them up. [Tom is] embarrassed that the relationship fizzled out.”
I would use my vocal cords to laugh until I prolapse, but I need to use them to scream, “NOOOOooooooooOOOOO!”
This was not supposed to happen! What about the cringe-inducing public proposal on the red carpet at the Emmys? What about the televised wedding where the light in Tom’s eyes slowly goes out when he dies inside while watching Tay Tay yodel out her wedding vows as her squad does an interpretive dance around them? What about Taylor getting knocked up with twins that they’d later name Pumpkin Spice and Strawberry Tart Swift-Hiddleston? What about any of that?! I feel so ripped off. Damn Tay Tay’s PR team for not successfully re-negotiating a long-term contract. They failed us all!
And ToTay may be dead, but the tragic memory of Tom wearing that “I Heart TS” tank top in public will live on forever. I have a feeling that Tom is going to dream about it a lot and when he wakes up in a sweat, he’s going to think that it was all a nightmare before he realizes it wasn’t and starts to silently bawl. His therapist is going to be so busy.