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Daffney Gillfin from The Snorks!

After The Smurfs became a giant hit in the early 90s (because every child in the 80s was still high from the LSD their parents were on while conceiving them in the 70s), Hanna-Barbera tried to deliver yet another highly successful cartoon series when they turned the Belgian comic book The Snorks into a show. It didn’t really happen.

The Snorks were pretty much the Rita Ora to The Smurfs‘ Rihanna. The premise of The Snorks was just like the premise of The Smurfs. The Snorks were a small tribe of creatures that looked straight out of someone’s acid-induced fever dream, but instead of living on land, they lived under the sea. Like The Smurfs, they had to deal with villains trying to take over their land. SpongeBob wasn’t around back then, but The Snorks were like the PCP baby of The Smurfs and SpongeBob.

They were called Snorks, because of the snorkels that stuck out of their giant goiter heads. Because adult-me always has peen on the brain, I look at them now and see a funny-looking uncut dick attached to a nutsack with eyes shaped like a bra.

The Snorks lasted for 4 seasons from 1984 to 1989 and up until 2014, you could watch reruns of that mess on basic cable. One of my favorite Snorks was Daffney, who was a mash-up of Smurfette and Vanity Smurf. Daffney was the most gorgeous Snork in all of Snorkland and she always maintained her beauty. The voice of Bart Simpson and one of L. Ron Hubbard’s most loyal bitches did the voice of Daffney.

Here’s the intro, and the show itself may have lasted for only 5 years, but its theme song will stay in your brain for at least double that.

The good thing about The Snorks not being a hit is that Hollywood won’t ruin it for all of us by turning it into a shitty movie. Cut to Hollywood announcing that they’re doing a CGI movie of The Snorks starring the voice of Rita Ora as Daffney!