Archives: September 2016

Jake Gyllenhaal’s Crotch Shrub Is Magnificent, So Says Tom Ford

September 27, 2016 / Posted by:

If Tom Ford isn’t exaggerating, then the crotch crabs of the world probably whisper in each other’s ears about a magical land where the tall, luscious and mighty pubes grow wild and there’s enough room for all of them to freely frolic. That magical land exists on a human called Jake Gyllenhaal. Every crotch crab probably spends their entire life trying to get to that dick bush Shangri-La.

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Justin Bieber Still Hates His Fans

September 27, 2016 / Posted by:

Justin Bieber has been a famous person for a long time. Sadly, there’s one part about being a famous singer that Justin doesn’t like. Justin doesn’t like fans. He doesn’t like taking pictures with them at concerts or in public. He doesn’t like when they give him gifts. He doesn’t like how they act on Twitter. He doesn’t like it when they try to get his attention at the club. And on Saturday, he gave us a quick reminder about how he feels about them.

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Open Post: Hosted By The Reporter Giving A Lot Of Thanks To A Bitch

September 27, 2016 / Posted by:

And my other MVP of debate night is this proud graduate of the Journalism School Of Bitch Don’t who put her training to work when she told a bitch off as they all scrambled inside. Sorry, Sue Simmons, but I have a new favorite journalist!

Before the main event between Trump and Clinton went down last night, a mini pre-fight happened between my hero and another lady. The Daily Telegraph says that my Not The Icon is Al Jazeera English reporter Kimberly Halkett. While trying to get an interview with billionaire Mark Cuban, Kimberly was pushed and she responded by turning around before delivering the line of the night: “Thanks a lot, bitch!” It’s a damn shame that Bravo didn’t take advantage of this fuckery election and put out a new show called Real Newsreporters of the Election, because Kimberly definitely would’ve been the Shannon Beador.

“Thanks a lot, bitch” isn’t only the line of the night, it’s the line of the election. Actually, it’s the line of the entire year, because the only thing I really have to say to 2016 is: Thanks a lot, bitch!

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Not Being Married Is Keeping Goldie Hawn And Kurt Russell Together

September 27, 2016 / Posted by:

Yesterday, Michael made a comment while writing about the latest couple to be visited by the Grim Reaper of Relationships that now is the time to hope and pray that the next celebrity relationship to bite the dust isn’t Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell’s. The good news is, it probably won’t be. According to Goldie, if you want to read the words “Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell SPLIT” on the cover of UsWeekly, you’re going to have to go back in time and convince them to get married.

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Justin Theroux Said A Few Words About The Fall Of Brangelina

September 27, 2016 / Posted by:

Justin Theroux has started doing promo for The Girl On The Train and so we should expect that every interview he does will start with the question, “The Girl On The Train is about a girl on a train and Angelina Jolie is a girl and I’m sure she’s been on a train before, so what do you think about her dumping Brad and can you even hear this question since I’m sure your eardrums burst from the sound barrier-breaking laugh that Jennifer Aniston let out over the news?Business Insider asked Jennifer Aniston’s hot hipster piece about the breakup of our modern day Adam and Eve and he said that his heart feels for the child army and saying anything other than that is yawn worthy.

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