Well, if it isn’t the Star Spangled Bang-her. – AnnoBanano
Pic: Uber Humor
Mackarel Jordan must’ve come from the waters off of Japan because pure potent 100% fuckery fills his fish veins. Mackarel Jordan is a character from a sports entertainment company called ZOOperstars! and he’s been working games and the halftime circuit in America for years. Mackarel Jordan must’ve gotten a craving for some British meat, because over the weekend, he entertained the crowd during a football game between Derby County and Blackburn Rovers at iPro Stadium in Derby, England.
Mackarel Jordan’s thing is that he plays on the field with a human for a bit and once he gains that poor bitch’s trust, he runs up, opens up his gaping fish hole, eats them, chews on them for a bit and then barfs them up, leaving them half-naked, confused and scared. Angelina Jolie really doesn’t have anything on this mega man eater. I haven’t seen a hot trick gobble up that much man since the Pamela Anderson/Tommy Lee sex tape.
An incredible halftime show at Derby County v Blackburn Rovers in the Championship. 😂 pic.twitter.com/AlX6QCpuJY
— TheFootballCommunity (@Footy_Community) September 25, 2016
And it’s a damn shame that Mackarel Jordan isn’t a giant superstar. I mean, his act has everything: drama, suspense, inflatable fish and a half-naked man!
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Taylor Swift took her new Dollar Tree Ann Jillian hair to dinner with Cara Delawhatever last night, and as that was happening Kanye West was performing in Nashville where he did the song Famous three times as the audience shouted “Fuck Taylor Swift!” Taylor probably heard about it at dinner and then ordered the most expensive bottle of champagne to pre-celebrate her team of lawyers successfully suing Kanye for a percentage of his tour sales since he’s using her name to bring more attention to it – Lainey Gossip
Dr. Howard Dean isn’t backing down from his “cokehead” theory about Donald Trump. As much as I love him for that, he better watch it before the coke cartels sue him for slandering their product by insinuating that it makes you say the stupid kind of shit that Trump says – Celebitchy
Poor Pepe the Frog – Drunken Stepfather
Amber Rose is getting paid $8 million to talk about fucking. Where did I go wrong in life? – Reality Tea
Sabrina the Teenage Witch has joined Gary Johnson’s presidential campaign. Okay, but who is Salem endorsing? – The Superficial
Semi-Panty Creamer of the Day: John Stamos and Chad from Scream Queens got oiled-up to do a shower scene together. This would’ve been a full Panty Creamer moment if there was at least some ass in it – Towleroad
But someone who did deliver some ass was that hot math teacher – OMG Blog
Joanna Krupa’s nipple knobs look like butterscotch drops in that tank top – The Nip Slip
That Spider-Boy costume looks like it came from Party City – Popoholic
Shit, most Americans can’t pronounce Massachusetts – Hollywood Tuna
Today I learned two new things: 1. Jenna Elfman has a new show. 2. That new show is probably not going to last for long – SOW
Mickey Rourke challenged Usain Bolt to a race, and yeah, he probably lost hard, but I bet his glorious wig stayed on the entire time – Pajiba
Alec Baldwin’s Donald Trump looks more like a duckface-making Papa Joe – Just Jared
Oh, it’s all fun and fashion until your nipples come off with the tape – Egotastic!
Scott Eastwood and Charlotte McKinney are still humping – Popsugar
Last week, Vitalii Sediuk, who doesn’t seem to know what the definition of a “prank” is, got elbowed in the face by Gigi Hadid after he picked her up from behind as she walked to her car. Vitallii really did it to raise awareness for his attention whore ways, but he dribbled out a river of bullshit when he said that he did it to protest against Anna Wintour and the rest of the fashion industry putting the Kartrashians and other Instagram-famous people on the covers of magazines. Vitalli kept “protesting” again today by trying to kiss Kim Kardashian’s ass, but his face ended up kissing the concrete instead.
And if you’re like me, then the piece of you who faked sick from school to watch One Life to Live died too.
Philly.com says that Agnes Nixon, who gifted the world with the legendary soap operas One Life to Live and All My Children, has gone off to heaven where I’m sure a Greek chorus in white robes are waiting to greet her. Agnes died at her home in Pennsylvania this morning. TMZ says that she died from complications of Parkinson’s and pneumonia. She was 93.
Agnes started out as a writer on daytime soaps like Search For Tomorrow, Guiding Light and Another World. In 1968, Agnes’ first creation and my mom’s favorite soap of all-time One Life to Live was born on ABC and went on for more than 43 years. After One Life to Live took daytime BY STORM, the network gave the greenlight for All My Children, which came out in 1970 and aired for around 41 years. Agnes also helped to create Loving and The City. The Daytime Emmy Awards gave her a Lifetime Achievement Award in 2010.
Agnes’ son also told TMZ that she just finished writing her memoirs My Life to Live last week.
La Lucci, who played one of Agnes’ favorite characters, posted this note on Instagram:
Rest in peace, Agnes. Thank you for original HSOTD Dorian Lord, Erica Kane, Viki Lord Buchanan, Tina Lord #1, etc…