I can only give Justin Theroux’s STAINS impersonation a C since he didn’t perfect it by making Jennifer Aniston hold up a platter full of cupcakes in front of him.
As Brangelina’s marriage gets buried under a pile of dead cherubs who lost their will to live after the meaning of everlasting love died, Jennifer Aniston and her wedded piece Justin Theroux went out to dinner in NYC. Justin, who wore a look straight from Hot Topic’s Cool Dad collection, is probably bulgy -eyed like that, because his skinny jeans are suffocating his low-hanging huevos and he’s feeling the pain.
Or maybe, just maybe, Justin’s eyeballs are trying to escape out of their sockets because his head is slowly exploding as the paparazzi shower them with flashes while asking Jennifer if she’s holding on to her man so tight because that home wrecking viper hussy Trampelina HOlie is single again and is going to snatch Justin up! No, the paps would never!
In 1995, angel-voiced legend and former aspiring casual wear mogul (RIP Koala Blue, never forget) Olivia Newton-John met a cameraman named Patrick McDermott. They dated off and on for almost ten years until Patrick disappeared during a fishing trip in California. Nobody really knows what happened except that Patrick was alone, it was nighttime, that he probably fell off his boat, and that he was most likely lost at sea. It was very weird.
Recently, a new layer of weird was added to the situation after a couple people claimed to have spotted Patrick – the real Patrick, not a merman version or ghost version of Patrick – being very much alive in Mexico. In fact, you don’t have to look very far to find people who believe that Patrick pulled a solo Double Jeopardy on his boat that night in an attempt to dodge some major money troubles. Olivia Newton-John must not know about those rumors….
Tom Hiddleston may have almost collapsed his lungs when he breathed out a cyclone of relief after his contract with Taylor Swift expired, but well, he once again found himself getting upstaged in a picture by a blond bitch. Tom knows it too. If that isn’t a “Fuck me, this again” face, I don’t know what is.
“Oi, poor fing don’t realize that the only way I’m gonna appear at her weddin’ is if someone hooks up a phone to a video cable and projects a YouTube video of this performance. Sorry, bum.”
Person with a job Pippa Middleton got engaged to her banker boyfriend James Matthews earlier this summer, which means she’s got a wedding to plan. Of course Pippa’s wedding won’t be nearly as fancy an event as her older sister’s wedding was, but Pippa is trying. Duchess Kate and Prince William hired Ellie Goulding to sing at their fancy royal wedding back in 2011. Pippa wanted a famous person too, just more famous than Ellie Goulding. UsWeekly says Pippa wanted Adele to sing at her wedding next year. Pippa, please.
While many of us scream, “TELL IT!”, whenever Corey Feldman talks about the pedophiles crawling all over Hollywood, there’s one person who would like to cover up his mouth with duct tape and write “STFU” on it with a thick black Sharpie, and that someone is Corey Haim’s mom Judy Haim. Judy Haim is so over Corey Feldman telling “lies” about her son that she’s threatening to sue him for EVERYTHING he owns, which is an old BETA copy of License To Drive, an autographed picture of Bubbles and a hat tree full of fedoras.
Lindsay Lohan? A money-hustling freckled lie-teller? Never!
Lindsay Lohan’s former rich Russian fiancé Egor Tarabasov just recently discovered that Lindsay Lohan is like a vacuum that sucks up money and spits out lies. Last week, Lindsay gave a tell-all interview to Russia’s Channel One about her relationship with Egor and accused him of going Zangief from Street Fighter on her on several occasions and claimed she was afraid he was going to throw acid in her face. Shortly after the interview aired, Egor denied everything. TMZ says that Lindsay also accused Egor of having some long-ass pockets when it came time to getting out his wallet and paying for things. According to Lindsay, there was only one person paying the bills in their relationship, and it was the Apricot Ashtray. Of course, Egor is denying that too.