Yesterday, Michael made a comment while writing about the latest couple to be visited by the Grim Reaper of Relationships that now is the time to hope and pray that the next celebrity relationship to bite the dust isn’t Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell’s. The good news is, it probably won’t be. According to Goldie, if you want to read the words “Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell SPLIT” on the cover of UsWeekly, you’re going to have to go back in time and convince them to get married.
Justin Theroux has started doing promo for The Girl On The Train and so we should expect that every interview he does will start with the question, “The Girl On The Train is about a girl on a train and Angelina Jolie is a girl and I’m sure she’s been on a train before, so what do you think about her dumping Brad and can you even hear this question since I’m sure your eardrums burst from the sound barrier-breaking laugh that Jennifer Aniston let out over the news?” Business Insider asked Jennifer Aniston’s hot hipster piece about the breakup of our modern day Adam and Eve and he said that his heart feels for the child army and saying anything other than that is yawn worthy.
Corey Haim’s mom Judy Haim threatened to sue the Michael Jackson-inspired bang tail right off of Corey Feldman’s head if he kept bringing up her son’s name in interviews. It looks like Judy Haim’s legal threat worked, because Corey Feldman has declared that he’s added the name “Corey Haim” to his mouth’s filter and promised to stop publicly talking about the horrific shit his late friend went through.
A lot of famous people promised last week that if everyone got out on voting day and made sure that Donald Trump didn’t become the president we’d get to see Mark Ruffalo’s weiner. I figured that the guarantee of seeing DILF dick was enough to send everybody running to register, but there are clearly still some people out there who need convincing that they should vote on November 8th. Katy Perry’s got them covered. Which, ironically, she’s doing while covered only by black censor bars.
The dustiest box of cake mix in the Kardashian’s metaphorical pantry Rob Kardashian managed to get a whole lot of attention for himself last night. Kongratulations, Rob! Or should I say kongratulations, Blac Chyna? Because Rob just found a way to make us pay attention to your relationship again. Last night, Rob got really upset at his younger sister Kylie Jenner. When normal people get mad at their siblings, they shoot bitchy texts back and forth until someone responds with an unintentionally hilarious autocorrect and they both laugh. But not the Kardashians! They throw it out into the world for everyone to see.