Good celebrity peen pics are about as rare as a day that doesn’t end with you weeping at the bottom of a hot shower while clutching a vino sippy cup full of Barefoot white zin. (What? Just me?) So many of us peen pic dilettantes (yes, I have a Word of the Day calendar) appreciated when Orlando Bloom made the brave decision to go naked paddle boarding and risk a sea creature trying to get at his dangling dick after mistaking it for a marine spoon worm. But there’s one person who thinks that Orlando made a stupid decision and that someone is his ex-wife/mother of his kid, Miranda Kerr. Put your kewpie doll lips together, Miranda, and keep them shut! Nobody asked you for your opinion! Okay, actually someone did ask.
The future Mrs. Snatchchat was a guest on the Kyle & Jackie O radio show on KIIS-FM in Sydney, and they asked her about the soft peen pictures that swept across a million eyeballs. Miranda said that Orlando gave her a heads up about his little head ending up on the internet, and she wondered what was going through his mind. “What were you thinking?” is what I’d ask Orlando about wearing his arch rival Justin Bieber’s hairstyle in 2013 (see: picture above), but I wouldn’t ask that question about letting his dick slit breathe in some fresh Italian air!
“Oh my God, he text me and was like ‘um, I’m really embarrassed, some photos are coming out, just thought I should let you know. And I was like, ‘hmmm… right, what were you thinking? Seriously?!”
I’m going to give Miranda Kerr the benefit of the doubt and believe that she meant one of two things:
- What were you thinking? Don’t ever get naked for free. Get a check for it like I do. “Embarrassing” is right!
- Was it soft? If so, what were you thinking? Hard dick pics would get you more attention! I swear, I’m beginning to think that this Katy Perry trick is a bad influence on you.
Yup, Miranda definitely meant one of those.
And here’s Orlando leaving a hair salon in L.A. the other day. When anyone leaves a hair salon with a beanie on, it means they got a jacked haircut, or they dyed their mop a different color, or maybe Orlando got an outline of his peen shaved onto the side of his head and is not ready to reveal it yet.