Drake looks cool on the outside, but you know on the inside he’s thinking, “She just touched my hand! I’m never going to wash it ever again.”
About three-quarters into the MTV VMAs last night, I started to get worried that Rihanna was never going to get that Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award they promised her. It felt like she just kept slinking on stage for more and more performances. Rihanna performed four medleys, which you can watch here. MTV let RiRi do whatever she wanted on stage, and she did. Sadly, she was denied a fifth performance that included RiRi smoking a giant joint while spraying her background dancers down with a fireman’s hose filled with champagne. But that’s probably because MTV needed to keep it moving and give her that moon man. Eventually she got her award, which of course was presented her by the President of the Rihanna Fan Club, Drake.
To be honest, I’m not entirely sure Drake knew he was presenting an award. Drake looked like at any second he was going to drop to one knee and pull a ring out of his beard. He was giving off a real “I’m just a guy, standing in front of a girl, holding a moon man…” vibe.
And just like a public marriage proposal, it got a little awkward at the end. When Drake went in for that kiss on the mouth, I don’t think he was counting on Rihanna to crane her neck away like “Oh yeah, no, none of this.”
Here’s RiRi’s acceptance speech, which she delivered in what appears to be a dress from David’s Bridal’s Columbo Couture collection.
Earlier in the night, the Sensitive Prince of The 6 won the award for Best Hip Hop Video. Although he wasn’t there to accept it because according to Diddy, Drake was stuck in traffic. But I know better. Drake wasn’t stuck in traffic at all. He was backstage hiding in a bathroom stall to avoid collecting his award. After all, it was RiRi’s night. Once the coast was clear, he snuck into RiRi’s dressing room with several employees from Friendzone’s Choice floral studio and filled it with 22 dozen roses (“22 for the age at which I first fell in love with you“). Unfortunately, she never got the custom teddy bears Drake had commissioned because the Build-A-Bear store fucked up. “Are you kidding me? They were supposed to have magnets in their mouths so they could kiss. This is bullshit. Drake is going to be leaving a very angry Yelp review.”
Here’s Rihanna in a look I call “string bean fantasy” and Drake leaving a club together last night after the MTV VMAs.