Comedy’s Central Roast of Rob Lowe, which filmed on Saturday and will air on Labor Day, starred a motley crew of random people. David Spade, Jeff Ross, Jewel (who worked with Rob on a TV show), Ralph Macchio, comedian Nikki Glaser, SNL’s Pete Davidson, Peyton Manning, Rob Riggle and Jimmy Carr all took turns roasting the asshole of the ex-member of the Brat Pack. Ann Coulter was also there and when it was announced that she was going to take part, I just knew that it would become The Shitting On Ann Coulter Scat Show. When you put Ann Coulter in a roast with a bunch of comedians, you should expect them to flame her until she turns to ash, and then piss and shit on her ashes, and then mold those ashes into an Ann Coulter statue so they can roast her some more. And they did!
Sure, they put Rob Lowe on a spit roast and dragged him for being the original R. Kelly by making a sex tape with an underage girl, but from what I’ve read, they mostly went after Ann. And DUH to that. Ann Coulter is a roaster’s dream! Pete Davidson called Ann a “racist cunt,” to which she said, “How did you find out my born name?” No, but that wasn’t even the harshest thing that someone threw at her. Here’s just some of the shit that was thrown at Ann:
“If you are here, Ann, who is scaring the crows away from our crops?” – Pete Davidson
“I’m not the only athlete up here. As you know, earlier this year, Ann Coulter won the Kentucky Derby.” – Peyton Manning
“Ann, you’re awful. The only person you will ever make happy is the Mexican who digs your grave.” – Nikki Glaser
“After seeing your set tonight, we’ve seen the first bombing you can’t blame on a Muslim.” – Rob Lowe
“Ann is against gay marriage. What is your thinking on that? If I can’t get a husband, they can’t either?” – Jeff Ross
“How do I roast someone from hell? Ann, you are the only woman ever to sexually harass Roger Ailes.” – Jeff Ross
“Ann Coulter and no black people? What are we roasting? A cross?” – Pete Davidson
“God, it’s white up here. It’s the only way we could get Ann Coulter, though.” – Nikki Glaser
“Ann Coulter has written 11 books, 12 if you include Mein Kampf.” – Nikki Glaser
“I do want to say as a feminist that I can’t support everything that’s been said tonight. But as someone who hates Ann Coulter, I’m delighted.” – Jewel
“Ann is one of the most repugnant, hateful, hatchet-face bitches alive. It’s not too late to change, Ann. You could kill yourself.” – Jimmy Carr
Ann was booed by the audience too, but she didn’t care, because she was able to plug her book (aka the book she may have to burn since Trump has betrayed her!). But seriously, the joke is on all of us. Every time Ann Coulter’s name is said on TV, her powers of evil grow stronger and thanks to that roast, she’s now powerful enough to finally destroy He-Man and take over Castle Grayskull for good. We’re all doomed.