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August 28, 2016 / Posted by:

The rules and eligibility speech that Cyndi Lauper gave in “ancient Babylonian” at the beginning of the very first MTV VMAs!

The 32nd MTV VMAs (or as it’s currently known as: The Annual Kanye West Making Shit About Kanye West Ceremony) is happening tonight, and RiRi is going to open with a performance that will probably include her shitting on a Pope impersonator, but back in the medieval days, it opened with some real star power and entertainment. The very first MTV VMAs happened on September 14, 1984 and it opened with a reading of the rules by Cyndi Lauper. Only rich people were able to watch it live, because only rich people could afford cable back then. (Side note: In the 80s, I based the wealth of my friends’ families on whether or not they¬†had cable and which channels they had. I thought that only richies could afford that shit.)

At the beginning of the inaugural VMAs, a then 38-year-old Bette Midler and a then 32-year-old Dan Aykroyd introduced a then 31-year-old Cyndi Lauper to the stage to read the¬†eligibility and voting rules. Cyndi, who won a VMA for Best Female Video for Girls Just Want To Have Fun that year, dribbled out some high-pitched gibberish that she called “ancient Babylonian.” It sounded like a cross between “Ozzy Osbourne on novocaine and helium speaking Greek backwards” and Nell having an orgasm. What I’m trying to say is that Cyndi was 95% more coherent than Kanye and 100% more coherent than Ryan Lochte. Take it away, Cyndi!

If you’re watching the VMAs tonight, your drinking game is: guzzle the sweet nectar down every time you say to yourself, “I wish I was watching Cyndi Lauper speak gibberish instead.” You’ll be speaking drunk gibberish about 20 minutes in.

Pic: Getty

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