I Hope The Execs At MTV Like Shit Ratings, Because Taylor Swift Is Not Going To The VMAs!

August 26, 2016 / Posted by:

“Oh God, don’t look now, but I think Alfalfa Sprout of Sunnybrook Farm is trying to look sexy for the paps again… My heart can’t take anymore secondhand embarrassment” is what that dude behind her is thinking to himself, obviously.

Taylor Swift reportedly didn’t submit herself for any MTV VMA nominations and so she didn’t get any. There’s really no reason for her to go to the VMAs this Sunday in NYC, but since she’s one to never miss out on an opportunity to trend on Twitter, I figured she’d show up with a boysenberry-scented lawsuit to throw at those diabolical villains Kanye West and Kim Kartrashian. But a source “exclusively” confirms to People that even though Taylor is in NYC right now, she’s sitting out the VMAs this year. Uh huh… I’m really sure she’s going to sit this one out.

You know that scene in The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert when that old man makes his wild and stereotypical mail-order-bride Cynthia stay home from the bar, and she goes nuts, breaks into the cabinet that holds all her ping pong balls and steals the show by popping those things out of her poon? That’s going to be Taylor on VMAs night (sans the whole “ping pong poon” thing). She’s going to sit in her apartment all by herself and once she starts hearing the clicks from cameras blocks away, she won’t be able to help herself and she’ll crash through her window and run over there.

Or Taylor will just calmly sip sparkling strawberry soda out of a flute in her apartment and smugly smile when she finds out that the VMAs have been canceled because nobody bothered to show up since the biggest star in the world isn’t going.

But really, I’m sure Taylor will make a cameo appearance. TMZ says that Kanye is performing for 4 minutes and MTV is letting him do whatever he wants with his slot. (Kanye, put away the anal beads. Not that kind of slot.) The producers are completely okay with Kanye keeping them in the dark about what he’s going to do. UsWeekly is hearing that Kanye will perform Famous, the song that started his latest war with Taylor. So nobody should be surprised if during Kanye’s performance, Tay Tay and Kim come out onto the stage hand-in-hand and they all patch things up with a group hug and everything is daisies again… And then in a few months they’ll all decide that they need more attention so they’ll start fighting and we’ll do it all over again. Can’t wait!

Here’s Tay Tay showing up to the gym in NYC this morning:

Pics: Splash

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