Bitch Got Charged: The Ryan Lochte Edition

August 25, 2016 / Posted by:

CNN says that Brazilian authorities have officially charged Ryan Lochte with falsifying a police report, or as he probably calls it “over-exaggerating my tantics, bro.” Ryan’s partners in lie-telling all settled things with the cops in Rio. Gunnar Bentz and Jack Conger were allowed to fly back to the U.S. after they talked with the cops, and Jimmy Feigen (who could’ve been charged) paid a $10,800 donation to a charity to avoid getting charged. But since Ryan busted out of Brazil before the cops could question him more about the gas station robbery that wasn’t so much of a robbery, he hasn’t settled with them.

Ryan will be sent a letter explaining the legal process and charges, and I hope they write it in emojis so he fully understands. Ryan’s lawyer told CNN that they haven’t received shit yet. Ryan can send his lawyer to Rio to appear in court for him, but if he’s found guilty and gets time in the clink, he’ll have to go back to serve it. The chances of that happening are about as slim as Ryan getting through one move on solitaire on his phone without hitting the “hint” button. via CNN

If convicted, Lochte, 32, could face between one to six months in jail, although the judge could choose to levy a fine instead. There would be no negotiations in that case, Clemente Braune, a commissioner with the Special Tourist Police in Rio, said Thursday.

Lochte would also have the opportunity to appeal any decision.

Brazil and the U.S. do have an extradition treaty, but Law Newz says that the crime Ryan was hit with isn’t an extraditable offense. Ryan will most likely just have to pay a fine and that will be that. But if Brazil wants to make sure that he never visits again, the judge should find him guilty and sentence him to the max. Ryan would stay out of Brazil forever! Or until the chlorine-filled memory stick in his brain forgot and he went back to Brazil to see his favorite music act LMFAO reunite at Rock in Rio and he got arrested at the airport.

But it’s not all shit news for Ryan. He may have lost a bunch of sponsors, but he picked up a new one today. Ryan is the new throat of Pine Bros. cough drops. When you keep coughing up lies, try Pine Bros.!

Ryan will shoot a commercial and its slogan will be, “Forgiving on your throat.” Seriously. There is no way in damn hell that Ryan will be able to get through one take without saying, “Forgiving on your throat…hehe. That’s what he said! Hehe.” In his defense, neither would I.


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