There’s a good reason for why in that picture Amy Schumer looks like she’d rather be taking selfies with fans while getting a pap smear from Edward Scissorhands in the middle of a subway platform in August. That’s because she would! Amy put on that busted dress to go to the parade of fancy assholes known as the Met Gala, and she told Howard Stern that it may as well have been held at a labor camp in North Korea, because it was torture! Let’s all join hands and say a prayer of thanks to the lord for the fact that Amy Schumer was somehow able to get through the pain and suffering of sipping fine champagne while staring at Idris Elba in a tux. She is so brave. So strong.
Amy went on Howard Stern’s SiriusXM show (via USA Today) to push her book and in it, she writes about how even though her job is tell jokes to a lot of people, she’s an introvert. Amy told Howard that she likes hanging out with a small group of people and hates going to parties full of famous anal pimples who make dumb small talk. Howard brought up seeing pictures of her at this year’s Meth Gala, and she nearly heaved from reliving that nightmare of an experience. (In Amy’s defense, watching a bunch of rich bitches finger bone each other in the butt about fashion while squeezed into fancy clothes does sound like an inhumane torture technique.)
Like Goopy Paltrow, Amy doesn’t want to do the Meth Gala again. She spilled these words out:
“I left, not the second I could; I left earlier than I should have been allowed. I got to meet Beyoncé, and she was like, ‘Is this your first Met Gala?’ and I was like, ‘It’s my last.’ I should be grateful I was invited or something, but it felt like a punishment. It’s not me.
We’re dressed up like a bunch of fucking assholes and I have no interest in fashion. I like the idea of coming up with a way to dress that’s more comfortable, that looks cool, that sounds good to me. But other than that, I don’t care.”
Hmmm, so I’m assuming that every photo agency who released pictures of Amy at the Meth Gala Photoshopped out Anna Wintour holding a Givenchy gun to her head. I’m half-joking, because Amy was on the cover of July’s Vogue, so she probably had to go. The good news for her is that now that she took a caca on Anna’s party, she’ll never be invited again. Unless…
Legend has it that when you pose for the cover of Vogue, Anna Wintour makes you sign your name in blood on the contract and a piece of your soul belongs to her. So Anna will probably force Amy to go to every Meth Gala from here on out and her frozen orb of a heart will develop even more icicles on it as she gets pleasure from watching Amy die inside while wearing an ugly $10,000 dress. Bleheheheheheeh!
And here’s Amy strolling into The Late Show on Monday in the perfect pants for anyone who wants an instant FUPA and a suffocating crotch.