Former boy band impresario and convicted Ponzi schemer Lou Pearlman died in a Florida federal prison on Friday night. He was 62. Lou was the corpulent cousin of Art Garfunkel (!) who gave us the Backstreet Boys, N*SYNC, O-Town, LFO, and Aaron Carter.
The New York Daily News reminds us that Pearlman was sentenced to 25 years in 2008 for running a $300 million Ponzi scheme. Pearlman’s victims included the elderly, some of whom were friends and family. So, you didn’t want to ask him to hold your pocketbook. You didn’t even want to leave it in the basket of your Shoprider Sunrunner if his slippery sausage fingers were near! The svengali nicknamed “Big Poppa” was also accused by the bands he created and managed of withholding their pay, according to Rolling Stone.
Pearlman’s business relationship disintegrated after the majority of groups he managed sued him in Federal Court for fraud and misrepresentation, with each group claiming that Pearlman pocketed most of the money his groups made.
Pearlman fled his ass to Bali in 2007 after his Ponzi situation came to light. Indonesia appreciated him about as much as his boy-banders must have when he tried to crawl naked into their beds. They handed him over to FBI custody, describing him as an “an undesirable visitor.”
Speaking of undesirable visitors with slippery sausage fingers, that “crawling naked into beds” thing wasn’t just me being déclassé. A 2007 Vanity Fair profile quoted multiple sources claiming that Lou shared a lot more in common with Pedo Bear than their spot on the Body Mass Index.
Two members of N*SYNC have commented on Pearlman’s death. Lance Bass tweeted a thanks for the career, dead guy.
Word is that #LouPearlman has passed away. He might not have been a stand up businessman , but I wouldn’t be doing what I love today wout his influence. RIP Lou
Chris Kirkpatrick (er, had braids?) did, too.
Mixed emotions right now, but RIP Lou Pearlman.
— Chris Kirkpatrick (@IamCKirkpatrick) August 21, 2016
No word on what Joey Fatone is feeling right now. Joey Fatone is the only member of a boy band I’ve ever cared about and it’s because he’s a bear who can dance. A thick guy with a fat ass who can dance is worth his weight in ass. I’m hoping my bizarre thirst will distract you from this uncomfortable Lou Pearlman death post.