Olympic gold medalist and University of Georgia student Gunnar Bentz is one of the Faux Robbery Four. That’s him up top on the left leaving a police station in Rio accompanied by teammate Jack Conger on Thursday. He’s released a statement via the university’s athletic department apologizing and confirming that yes, Ryan Lochte is douche enough that Giganta would have extra.
Bentz says, on that fateful night whose events are eclipsing the real news, the four Olympians left the party at France House in a cab at 6 AM. Right. They had the cab pull into a convenience store so they could piss. Go on. Alas, there was no restroom “so we foolishly relieved ourselves on the backside of the building behind some bushes.” We figured. It was then that Ryan Lochte put in his bid for future US ambassador to Brazil. You don’t say?
I am unsure why, but while we were in that area, Ryan pulled to the ground a framed metal advertisement that was loosely anchored to the brick wall.
You know why! The four of them got back in their cab after peeing and only got a little ways when security guards made them exit the vehicle. Bentz writes that “as Jimmy and Jack were walking away from the vehicle, the first security guard held up a badge to me and drew his handgun.” Bentz yelled for Jack Conger and James Feigen to come back, which they did because they’ve got slightly more going on upstairs than their leader. The second guard drew HIS gun and told them all to get on the sidewalk. Three of them complied, Aquadick didn’t.
“Again, I cannot speak to his actions, but Ryan stood up and began to yell at the guards. After Jack and I both tugged at him in an attempt to get him to sit back down, Ryan and the security guards had a heated verbal exchange, but no physical contact was made.”
A customer came forward to help translate between the English-speaking frat swimmies and the Portugese-speaking security guys. Bentz claims that they were told they had to pay up.
Through the interpreter, one of the guards said that we needed to pay them in order to leave. I gave them what I had in my wallet, which was a $20 bill, and Jimmy gave them 100 Reals, which is about $50 in total. They lowered the guns and I used hand gestures to ask if it was okay to leave and they said yes. We walked about a block down the street and hailed another taxi to return to the Village.
That’s when the most insidious cover-up in sports history since that one lady took the subway to the finish line of the Boston Marathon began. Bentz states that he “was never a suspect in the case” and “has never made a false statement to anyone at any time.” He also apologized to the “United States Olympic Committee, USA Swimming, the extraordinary women and men of Team USA, and the University of Georgia.” He neglected to apologize to that Brazilian wall he pissed on, but did note that the Olympics were “hosted so incredibly well by Brazil and its citizens.”
James Feigen is the only person involved still in Brazil, and as e know, his lawyer says he’s going to pay $10,800 to a charity to resolve the situation.
As for Lochte, we’ll get his side of the story when he sits down with the equally tamponic Matt Lauer in his first interview since the wall piss scandal during tonight’s Olympic coverage.