The Brazilian Police Are Recommending That Ryan Lochte and James Feigen Get Their Asses Indicted

“And I’m like, ‘Whatever,'” is probably what Ryan Lochte’s response to that news since his ass is far away from Brazil.

ABC News says that after investigating, the police in Rio believe that the dimmest dolphin in the pod, Ryan Lochte, and his teammate James Feigen should be indicted for filing a fraudulent police report. The case is with prosecutors who will decide whether or not to make that happen. James is still in Rio, so if he’s indicted, he could find himself in handcuffs, but most likely not. A Brazilian judge said that they won’t go prison. They’ll most likely just have to pay a fine.

Ryan is somewhere probably not giving a fuck since he’s in the U.S. and the false police report charge isn’t extraditable. But Ryan is still sticking with his story and is screaming, “Unjeah!” over some of the reports he’s seeing. Unjeah is the opposite of jeah, right?

The police said in a press conference today that the story goes that Ryan, James, Jack Conger and Gunnar Bentz all stopped to piss at a gas station after partying at France House. The bathroom door was locked, so they broke it open. The cops also claimed that they pissed all over the walls of the gas station and broke a mirror. When they tried to bust out of there, the gas station staff and security guards in uniforms stopped them and ordered them out of the taxi. Civil Police Chief Fernando Veloso said that they were all a mess, but that Ryan was the worst and he drunkenly fought with the security guards. One security guard pulled a gun on Ryan to control him. The guards demanded that they pay for the damage they caused. Police Chief Fernando added that witnesses acted as translators between the English speaking swimmers and the Portuguese-speaking gas station staff. The swimmers handed over 100 Brazilian reals and $20 to cover the damage, and once they did that, the security guards let them leave. The gas station owner doesn’t want to press charges.

A police source told CNN that the security guards called the cops, but by the time they arrived, Ryan and company already agreed to pay. So that was that. But Police Chief Fernando said that the cops only found out about this mess after Ryan’s mom told the media that he was robbed at gunpoint by thieves in cop drag. Another police source also told the Associated Press that both Jack and Gunnar pulled the “jig is up” switch and admitted to making the robbery story up. But at the press conference, Police Chief Fernando said that one of them had confessed. He didn’t say which one. That’s the cops’ side of the story…

Sources close to Ryan (aka his imaginary friends Je and Ah) told TMZ that the story happened the way he told it to Matt Lauer. Ryan originally told Billy Bush that their taxi was pulled over by pretend cops who robbed them of their wallets and money at gunpoint. Ryan later told Matt that they were robbed at the gas station. Ryan also said that the surveillance footage that was shown to the public was edited and there’s a good 3 minutes missing. Those missing 3 minutes show the armed gunmen pulling them out of the taxi. A different source told People that it’s funny that the police haven’t released any footage of them breaking shit. Getty has this picture from the gas station but I don’t know if it’s of the damage in question:

Police Chief Fernando also said in the news conference that Ryan and the other dudes had chicks with them and Ryan shit on that claim too. Ryan also shit on the reports that Jack and Gunnar admitted to lying about the robbery. James co-signed Ryan’s claim when he told mySA.com that they didn’t pull the robbery story out of their waxed assholes:

“We were robbed at gunpoint. It sounds like people assume we’re guilty.”

If you told me at the beginning of this Olympics that one American bro would get involved in an international incident involving drunk pissing and gas station antics, I’d immediately guess Matt Lauer. But my second guess would be Ryan Lochte. Leave to Ryan Lochte to star in a real-life reboot of The Hangover. Zero degrees of surprise will cover my face if somehow a dead hooker, a wronged drug dealer, a newborn baby and a goat in a tutu get dragged into this saga.

Pic: AP