One good thing to come out of this tale of dumb fuckery is that I learned that “scandal” in Portuguese is also “escândalo.” I lit up like Ryan Lochte after finally winning a game of Rocks, Paper, Siccor.
And in today’s episode of “This Is What Happens When Ryan Lochte Tries To Mastermind An Elaborate Lie,” we learn that he and three other U.S. swimmers were probably not robbed at gunpoint by thieves pretending to be cops. Ryan’s story started falling apart a quick minute after he opened up his mouth and now it’s a bigger mess than that hair color. Last night, authorities in Brazil pulled two of the swimmers, Jack Conger and Gunnar Bentz, off of a flight for questioning, and they stopped the fourth swimmer, Jimmy Feigen, from leaving the country. And today, the Associated Press reports that Jack and Gunnar told authorities that they made up the robbery story. I’m sure that all of this will be seen in Netflix’s new investigative series titled Making A Moron.
Ryan told Billy Bush on Today that while driving back to the athletes’ village after partying at France House, their taxi was pulled over by fake cops who held a gun to his head and stole their wallets and money. But Ryan later told Matt Lauer that the thieves robbed them at a gas station where they stopped to piss. Ryan also said that one of the robbers didn’t exactly point a gun directly at his head. The robber pointed it in his direction. Ryan swore on his gorgeous patriotic grill that he wasn’t lying. But Ryan made one big mistake. Ryan didn’t make his teammates pinky swear to be each other’s
ride or die swim or die bitch until the end, because Jack and Gunnar reportedly sold his ass out. A source told AP that Jack and Gunnar told authorities a different story. via ES-PEE-N
[The source] said that around 6 a.m. Sunday, Lochte, along with Conger, Bentz and Jimmy Feigen, stopped at a gas station in Barra da Tijuca, a suburb of Rio where many Olympic venues are located. One of the swimmers tried to open the door of an outside bathroom. It was locked.
A few of the swimmers then pushed on the door and broke it. A security guard appeared and confronted them, the official said. The guard was armed with a pistol, the official said, but he never took it out or pointed it at the swimmers.
According to the official, the gas station manager then arrived. Using a customer to translate, the manager asked the swimmers to pay for the broken door. After a discussion, they paid him an unknown amount of money and left.
A Brazilian police source told ABC News that the situation was much more messier (and pissier) than that. The source said that one of the swimmers also fought with a security guard. Ryan and company reportedly gave the gas station manager 100 reals and $20 for the jacked-up bathroom door. The gas station owner also told O Globo (via Deadspin) that the swimmers pissed all over the walls. Sucio bitches, save that piss for the pool! And it goes without saying, but they were plastered.
TMZ posted the video from the gas station, and it doesn’t show them breaking down the bathroom door or pissing on the walls. It shows them going to the bathroom and leaving. Once they get back into their cab, gas station employees go after them and they have a few words. The swimmers all get out of the cab and you can see them putting their hands up and sitting. So it seems like a security guard did pull a gun on them, but there were no fake cops involved and they weren’t “robbed” of any money. They gave up the cash to pay for the broken door.
This is the biggest “MOM!” in history. This disaster all started when Ryan’s mom told the media that her son told her that he was robbed at gunpoint by fake cops.
Jack, Gunnar and Jimmy are still in Brazil. Ryan left Brazil before the authorities could nab his ass and he’s already back in the U.S. A spokesperson for the IOC issued a statement that basically said “Boys will be boys!”
— Greg Wyshynski (@wyshynski) August 18, 2016
And Ryan hasn’t commented on Jack and Gunnar reportedly spilling the truth, but he did tweet this a couple of days ago:
My hair is going back to its normal color tomorrow ?
— Ryan Lochte (@RyanLochte) August 16, 2016
Oh, that’s good. How can authorities get him now? The douche in the video has silver hair and Ryan is brown-haired now. Ryan really outwitted them. I take back my sarcastic comment above. Ryan really is a criminal genius.