(Disclaimer: That picture is old and all the way from the olden days of 2015, but I figured that if I have to write about this sad mess for the 4,985th time, I may as well look at Joe ManJello’s concrete cum gutters and crotch while doing so.)
Some of us figured that the world would come to an end before Amber Heard and Johnny Depp’s messy wreck of a divorce fight did, but they proved us wrong on Tuesday when they announced that they had finally come to a settlement agreement. Amber dropped the restraining order and domestic abuse charge against Johnny, and she got $7 million in the settlement. Amber said in a statement that she was donating the “proceeds” of her settlement to charity and some messes took that to mean she was donating $7 million to The Amber Heard Foundation (all proceeds go to Amber Heard), but nope. She’s giving all of it to real charities.
Amber released a statement today saying that half of the $7 million is going to help stop violence against women and the other half is going to a children’s hospital:
“As described in the restraining order and divorce settlement, money played no role for me personally and never has, except to the extent that I could donate it to charity and, in doing so, hopefully help those less able to defend themselves. As reported in the media, the amount received in the divorce was $7 million and $7 million is being donated. This is over and above any funds that I have given away in the past and will continue to give away in the future. The donation will be divided equally between the ACLU, with a particular focus to stop violence against women, and the Children’s Hospital of Los Angeles, where I have worked as a volunteer for the past 10 years alongside organizations like the Art of Elysium. Over the years, I have seen firsthand how more funding for staffing, better equipment and better medication can make the difference between life or death for a child. I know these organizations will put the funds to good use and look forward to continuing to support them in the future. Hopefully, this experience results in a positive change in the lives of people who need it the most. “
The ACLU and the Children’s Hospital of Los Angeles have already released their own statements thanking Amber for the donation.
TMZ says that Amber really wanted to let people know she isn’t about that money and the divorce was never about getting a piece of Johnny’s fortune. Amber and PeenCheese McScarfy didn’t have a prenup, so she was entitled to all of the residuals from movie deals he made while they were married, but she gave that all up.
As for that $7 million, that seemed like a really low number to a lot of us. Amber could’ve gotten her hands on half of everything Johnny made during their 15-month marriage. But a family law expert type named Steve Mindel told People that $7 million could be half. California law states that when two married people don’t have a prenup, they’re each entitled to half of what they made together after taxes and expenses. So let’s say Johnny brought in $100 million during that 15 months, $25 million of that would go to his managers, agents, lawyers, etc…. Then the tax man would butt fuck a good chunk ($35 million) out of that money, and now he’s left with $40 million. If Johnny and Amber spent $25 million on their lavish expenses, they’re left with $15 million, which is about $7 million each. Steve says that with all of Johnny’s expenses, $100 million gets eaten away fast.
That shit about expenses from Steve Mindel is actually a good tip for you aspiring gold diggers out there. If you marry a richie without a prenup, downgrade their lifestyle immediately. Sell their gas-guzzling Mercedes and get them a bike. Serve them Top Ramen for all 3 meals and make them reuse toilet paper (It’s got two sides!). If they tell you that they want to take you on a private jet to Hawaii, take a bus to the nearest park with a sandbox in it, hand them a can of Dole pineapple juice (use a coupon) and ask them to close their eyes and pretend. When they ask you why you’re so cheap, look at them with loving eyes and say, “I’m just simple, isn’t that why you married me?”