Perpetually confused Labradoodle Ryan Lochte claimed that on early Sunday morning he and three of his teammates were robbed at gunpoint by thieves in cop drag. Ryan claimed that the thieves in police camouflage pulled over the taxi he and the other swimmers got in after partying at France House. They were going back to the athletes’ village. Ryan said that the thieves put a gun to his busted Anderson Cooper-ass hair, to which he said, “Whatever.” The thieves allegedly stole everyone’s wallet and money, but let them keep their cellphones and credentials.
Ryan’s mom confirmed the story to the media on Sunday. The IOC originally said that Mother Goose must have written that story because it’s a fable. They eventually confirmed it to be true. The police and courts in Rio aren’t so sure, and after doing an investigation, a judge ordered for Ryan and fellow U.S. swimmer James Feigen to hand over their passports. Ryan has put his hands on the side of his head and is going, “Nah nah nah nah you can’t catch me,” to the judge, because he’s already back in the states.
USA Today reports that Brazilian judge Keyla Blank felt like something in the pool water wasn’t clean (and no, it wasn’t piss) about the story. She said that there were inconsistencies in the stories that Ryan and James told the police. Ryan reportedly told the police there was one thief, and James said there were several. The police didn’t speak to the other two swimmers.
According to Ryan, they didn’t go to the police or the US Olympic Committee at first, because they were afraid of getting into trouble. They eventually talked to the police. Judge Blank wrote in her filing that she watched the surveillance footage video of Ryan and the other swimmers arriving back to the athletes’ village after allegedly getting robbed at gunpoint, and she thought it was weird that they didn’t look all shaky and scared-like. The police haven’t yet decided if they’re going to charge the swimmers for lie-telling:
“They arrived with their psychological and physical integrity unperturbed,” she wrote, also noting that the swimmers appeared to be joking with each other and did not appear to be upset.
Investigators need more time to determine whether they are guilty of filing a false police report, the judge wrote.
Ryan and James also said that they left France House at around 4am, but a newspaper in Rio claims that footage from a camera at France House shows them leaving closer to 6am. They got back to the Olympic Village a little before 7am. They also couldn’t remember the color of the taxi or where exactly they were robbed. Investigators said that they haven’t been able to track down the taxi driver.
The Daily Mail posted the surveillance video from Sunday morning of Ryan and the other dudes sashaying through security at athletes’ village and joking with each other after they were supposedly robbed. The DM added that Ryan’s wallet, the wallet he says was snatched by thieves, was detected by the x-ray scan. DUN DUN DUN!
Ryan’s lawyer said that he’s back in the U.S. The other swimmers have left the athletes’ village and the USOC wouldn’t say where they are. But James apparently told the San-Antonio Express-News that he’s still in Brazil.
Ryan’s lawyer also gave this statement to The New York Times:
“The country has a dark cloud over it for a million and one reasons, from their economy to their crime to their management of the Olympics. My client has cooperated thoroughly with the Brazilian authorities and stands behind his statement.”
Ryan would commit on being called a gold medal-winning liar, but I’m sure he’s currently busy with being hypnotized by the sparkles shooting off of his shiny medals. So pretty…
The way I see it, there’s at least 3 possible theories:
- It happened the way Ryan and the other swimmers say it happened, but their stories don’t match up perfectly and they’re a little hazy on the details because the sweet nectar was doing the backstroke through their veins at the time.
- It’s a police and IOC coverup!!!!
- It was a hooker and/or drug deal gone wrong and they’re too embarrassed to admit that they got robbed while trying to lease coochie and/or buy the bad shit.
Because we’re all Detective La Toya when it comes to this mystery, there’s other theories like: Ryan stayed out too late and didn’t want to get in trouble with his mommy so he told her a lie and she told the media. And Ryan has a girlfriend and came up with the robbery story to cover up him cheating on her.
My third theory doesn’t make that much sense. If they did get robbed in a hooker and/or drug deal gone wrong and were too embarrassed to say, why would they come up with that elaborate story? Why wouldn’t they just say that they lost their money and wallets?
You know, I’m going to stop thinking about this so much and instead I’m going to attempt to do my best Nancy Grace impersonation while screaming: “EXTRADITE HIM!!!!!!!”