Flame-Flames Flames On The Side Of My Face: Hollywood Is Still Trying To Butcher “Clue: The Movie”

Seven long years ago, Universal shot at our childhoods as though our childhood was a Singing Telegram Girl in the dark when they announced that they had hired director Gore Verbinski to take flawless cinematic flop Clue: The Movie to the ballroom and kill it with a candlestick. Less-dramatic translation: Universal hired Gore to direct a remake of Clue. Clearly the petition (signed by me and only me) I sent to Universal begging them not to commit a highly illegal act worked, because they dropped their plans in 2011. But those goddamn Grim Reapers of Hollywood are back to try to fuck with Clue once again.

The Tracking Board says that five years after Universal dropped Clue, 20th Century Fox has picked it up and is now working with Hasbro to turn it into a big-budget action movie like that piece of dried whale turd Battleship. Nobody knows if Gore Verbinski is still involved in this wreck. Universal wanted to pull Clue out of the mansion and make it a “global thriller,” and it looks like Fox has the same brilliant idea.

We are hearing, however, that there’s a desire to move the story out of the parlor and make it a game of “worldwide mystery” with action-adventure elements, potentially setting up a possible franchise that could play well internationally.

Those tricks obviously never played the game or have seen the movie, because Clue is a damn comedy that takes place in one damn house. It’s not some action-thriller where Miss Scarlett and Colonel Mustard run through the streets as shit explodes all around them. This may not even happen, though, so I’ll spare my vocal cords and won’t scream until I read that shooting has started on CLUE!!! starring Megan Fox as Miss Scarlett, Jason Statham as Professor Plum, Marky Mark as Colonel Mustard, Kate Upton as Mrs. White, Kellan Lutz as Mr. Green and Gigi Hadid making her feature film debut as Mrs. Peacock. And yes, it’ll be directed by Michael Bay.

And remaking movies starring Tim Curry seems to be a thing (see: The Rocky Horror Picture Show and It), so let’s all form a protective prayer circle around The Worst Witch.

Pic: Paramount