It feels like I was slapped in the face with casting news after casting news today, and sadly for me, none of the news is about how Hollywood is doing something right for once by making an all-gay reboot of Showgirls called Showgays starring Matt Boner and Cheyenne Jackson. I’ve lumped up all the news into one post and it works because every one of these projects has the potential to be a big, sloppy, gay mess or just a big, sloppy mess.
It feels like Warner Bros. has made a ton of money recently and have decided that they really need a gigantic flop for tax write-off purposes, because they have officially given the thumbs up to the 6,583,878th remake of A Star Is Born. Clint Eastwood was supposed to direct it with Beyonce in the lead role, but eventually Bradley Cooper took over for Clint and Beyonce dropped out. B. Coop must have a secret goal to be the director of a shit show that breaks all the Razzie records, because he started talking to Lady Gaga about starring opposite him. Deadline says that CaCa has officially signed on. She will write new songs for it and production will start early next year in California. The President of Creative Development at WB sharted up this statement:
“For those of us lucky enough to watch him work as an actor and producer, it has been clear that Bradley would make this transition to director. We are honored that he is doing it, here, at his home—Warner Bros.—and with Lady Gaga as a collaborator and co-star. The world is in for a treat as these great artists craft an all new vision of A Star is Born.”
Barbra Streisand just pulled out a shovel and is making her way to Judy Garland’s grave. She’ll dig until she hits the casket and then she’ll open it up, get in and roll with Judy. You know what, though, we’ve been desperately needing a campy cinematic wreck ala Glitter and this could be it. B. Coop and CaCa will probably have zero chemistry, and halfway through production her stomach will have to be pumped for wood chips from all the scenery chewing she’ll be doing. I hope they don’t disappoint! Now on to the Beaches remake that Lifetime felt like we needed.
Nearly five seconds after Garry Marshall died, Lifetime decided to spit on his barely cold corpse by announcing their remake of Beaches starring Idina Menzel in the Bette Midler role. Deadline also reported today that Nia Long has been cast in the Barbara Hershey role, and Lifetime is moving the setting from Atlantic City and NYC to Los Angeles.
Beaches follows the serendipitous meeting of two youngsters on the Venice Boardwalk, who, though worlds apart in lifestyle, embark on unexpected and lifelong friendship. CC (Menzel) is an aspiring singer trying to make it in Los Angeles. Hillary (Long) is the daughter of a prominent civil rights lawyer who struggles to find her own destiny. Their friendship—even with its ups and downs—sustains them for decades.
We don’t need this remake, but I’m going to stop cunting and moaning for once, because it could’ve been a lot worse. Lea Michele could’ve somehow squirmed her way into this and you know she tried. But I shouldn’t be grateful yet, because I wouldn’t be surprised if Lifetime announced that 29-year-old Lea Michele will play 11-year-old CC. And finally the news about the triumphant return of CZJ!
Back in May, FX gave us news that made fans of campiness run out and buy a velvet settee so they could faint backwards onto it after thinking about Jessica Lange and Susan Sarandon throwing bitchy glares at each other as Joan Crawford and Bette Davis. FX announced that they had ordered episodes of a new Ryan Murphy anthology series called Feud, and the first season is going to be about the rivalry between Joan Crawford and Bette Davis and how they fought while making Whatever Happened To Baby Jane?
Ryan Murphy announced on Twitter today that Catherine Zeta-Jones will play Olivia de Havilland, who was a friend of Bette’s. Olivia replaced Joan Crawford in Hush… Hush, Sweet Charlotte, which also starred Bette Davis. Joan claimed she had the sicks and quit. Joan really did have the sicks, she was sick of working with Bette Davis.
And if Feud is nothing but eight 1-hour long episodes of Joan, Bette and Olivia throwing side-eyes at each other while wearing gowns, I’ll still love every second of it.