Your Super Bowl Party Nachos Will Not Get Drenched In Sad Tears, Because Adele Isn’t Doing The Halftime Show

August 15, 2016 / Posted by:

Adele has been causing Kleenex sales to jump up 300% in Southern California by yodeling during shows in L.A. all last week, and I went to see her on Saturday night. It’s amazing that I wasn’t dragged out of the Staples Center in a straitjacket after having a nervous breakdown from the people who loudly sang along to nearly every song like it was their name on my damn ticket. But anyway, Adele talks a lot during shows and after singing “Rumor Has It” on Saturday night, she decided to stomp on two rumors. Adele stomped on the rumor that another fetus is baking in her womb, and also stomped on the rumor that she’s doing the Super Bowl Halftime Show next year.

Last week, some people made a mental note to include No-Doz and snot rags in their Super Bowl party spread, because it was rumored that Adele was going to put on the most depressing halftime show since Coldplay last year. (Depressing for totally different reasons.) But Adele said that she turned down an offer from the NFL, because the halftime show isn’t really about music (shade to Katy Perry and Coldplay?!!!) and joked that her next album will be full of dance songs, so she’ll do it then:

You know how sometimes a fuck buddy piece will ask you if you’ve got plans on Friday night, and after you say you don’t, you make an appointment to get your b-hole exfoliated, steam cleaned, starched, ironed and bleached on Thursday, because you think you’re going to get some. And then when Friday afternoon rolls around, you text your hook-up to ask what time you two are going to meet and he tells you that he made other plans? Bitch totally asked all of his hos if they were free on Friday night and went with the best option! Well, the NFL claims they pulled that move. They said in a statement to Billboard that they never gave Adele a concrete offer:

“The NFL and Pepsi are big fans of Adele. We have had conversations with several artists about the Pepsi Super Bowl Halftime Show. However, we have not at this point extended a formal offer to Adele or anyone else. We are focused on putting together a fantastic show for Houston and we look forward to revealing that in good time.”

I don’t know why the NFL would ask Adele in the first place? Adele and the Super Bowl go together like….well, like Adele and the Super Bowl. What would that show even look like? Would a shiver of Left Sharks come out and do an interpretive dance to Set Fire to the Rain? That sounds like my kind of halftime show, actually.

Pic: Splash

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