Olympic medalist and swimfrat dude brah Ryan Lochte was held up in Rio last night, according to his mom. Ileana Lochte, long known for keeping it 100 with the media when it comes to her dullard, told USA Today that her son and an unnamed teammate found themselves looking down the barrel of a gun. Not a “JEAH!”
“I think they’re all shaken up,” she told USA Today, claiming that the robbers “just took their wallets and basically that was it.”
Mrs. Lochte has found it necessary to keep the world apprised of Ryan’s habits and activities in the past. For example – the time she revealed that Ryan’s the type of guy to eff and run. Why would she be making stories up? So why then is the New York Daily News reporting that the International Olympic Committee is calling her
Taylor Swift a big fibber? (Unless Ileana is just trying to remain relevant enough to have a Chico’s kind of day.)
But International Olympic Committee spokesman Mark Adams, citing Lochte and the United States Olympic Committee, claimed the reports were “absolutely not true.”
Luckily Ryan’s not known for his towering intellect, so he was probably too dumb to be scared. “Sure, brah, you know I’m a man at night as well as a man in the morning, yeah? JEAH!” The mugger was probably laughing so hard at that he gave them their wallets back.
UPDATE: Ryan Lochte confirmed to NBC that yeah, he was held up. He told correspondent Billy Bush (being interview by that guy is, in many ways, as bad as if not worse than having a gun pointed at you) that he and four other Olympic swimmers (Gunnar Bentz, Jack Conger, Jimmy Feigen) were riding in a taxi and pulled over by guys posing as cops.
“We got pulled over, in the taxi, and these guys came out with a badge, a police badge, no lights, no nothing just a police badge and they pulled us over,” Lochte told Bush. “They pulled out their guns, they told the other swimmers to get down on the ground — they got down on the ground. I refused, I was like we didn’t do anything wrong, so — I’m not getting down on the ground.
“And then the guy pulled out his gun, he cocked it, put it to my forehead and he said, “Get down,” and I put my hands up, I was like ‘whatever.’ He took our money, he took my wallet — he left my cell phone, he left my credentials.”
Remember earlier when I pointed out that Ryan would probably be too much of a meathead to be scared? It’s like Miss Cleo’s psychic abilities were passed on to me when she died!
He also released a statement on Instagram.
The Chicago Tribune also reported on the US Olympic Committee’s confirming the incident, as well as further details about what happened coming from a representative of Brazilian swimmer Thiago Pereira. Everything went down after a birthday party.
“Thiago Pereira and his wife Gabriela Pauletti were in Club France, the French house in Brazil, and they were celebrating the birthday of a friend in common,” Perez, Pereira’s spokesman, told the Washington Post. “Lochte was also in the same place, commemorating the same birthday. Ryan and Thiago are friends.
“Thiago and his wife left earlier, they left alone, the two of them. Thiago and his wife went back to their hotel. Then Thiago, on finding out what happened, called Ryan. Ryan is well, and Thiago said that the robbery, according to Ryan, was in the taxi. The taxi was robbed.”
The next time someone pulls a piece on me, I’m going to go with “whatever.” I’m sure that will end as well as it did for Aquadouche. Glad he’s ok, though!