Hope Solo Is A Sore Loser

August 13, 2016 / Posted by:

US women’s soccer goalie and champion nephew beater Hope Solo was all kinds of wrought after her team was eliminated by Sweden last night. Solo referred to the winners as a bunch of cowards after the match. Hopefully (ugh, sorry) Solo’s nephew was wearing his bite suit after the game if he accompanied the family to Rio.

I’m even less versed in soccer than I am in baseball. Bear with me as I attempt to inform you that the game was a draw at 1 – 1, but Sweden won on penalty kicks. According to the Los Angeles Times, this didn’t sit well with the Zika virus prevention expert and Brazilian soccer fan favorite.

“We played a creative game. We had many opportunities on goal. We showed a lot of heart. We came back from a goal down. I’m very proud of this team. We played a bunch of cowards. The best team did not win today. I strongly, firmly believe that.”

Hope’s former coach Pia Sundhage is now Sweden’s coach. That must have been uncomfortable for Han Solo’s scioness.

“Sweden dropped back. They didn’t want to open play. They didn’t want to pass the ball around. They didn’t want to play great soccer, entertaining soccer. It was a combative game. A physical game. Exactly what they wanted. Exactly what their game plan was. We had that style of play when Pia was our coach. I think it was very cowardly. But they won, they’re moving on. And we’re going home.”

It’s unknown at press time whether or not Hope gave this statement while trying to get the poor security dude at Galeão International Airport into a headlock so she could repeatedly punch him in the face out of frustration over her bestial ass getting sent home. (Dlisted fun fact: Outgoing airport security is right past the “Thank You For Visiting Hell! Come Again Soon!” banner.) Coach Pia’s response was pretty much “suck it” but she used nicer wording.

“According to Hope Solo, I think you should define what is a good team. Well, usually – especially with the Americans – a good team is when they’re winning. And they’re winning all the time. That’s the best team in the world. But for once they didn’t go the whole way through. We won the game. They played more attacking football than we did. We defend very well. And the fact that…it went to penalty kicks says something about our defending. U.S. played better in the attack, we played better in the defense. And at the end of the day we won the game and that’s what all counts. It’s OK to be a coward if you win.”

As the eldest son of a championship-winning Little League coach (*J. Harvey straightens in his seat, proudly remembering*), I find that last bit’s pretty deep. But there’s Olympic medals and future endorsements involved here, so – ok? This Olympic soccer “she said/she said” brawl continued. Hope probably realized referring to a soccer team as “cowards” because they won a game was a little much. It’s not as if they ducked into the nearest 7-11 to hide behind the beef jerky display when they saw that old lady mugged.

“You’ve got to take your hat off to them because they beat us. So they’re going on, like I said, and we’re going home. They don’t have as quality of players as the American team does or as Brazil does, so they have to play a way that’s going to give them hope to beat a team like Brazil or the USA. And I think that’s part of the tactical side of things. And Pia is somewhat of a tactician, so she dropped her team into a 50 and tried to hit long balls. They could only really score on the opportunity for a long ball or on set pieces. So I guess you can say it’s smart, but I don’t think it’s respectful to the game.”

Sleep was claiming me until I got to “long balls” and sort of perked up. It reminded me of certain pendulous men I have known in the past. Best of luck in 2020, Hope!

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