When Hugh Hefner’s former denture scrubber Holly Madison announced that she had finally given birth to her second baby, all I wanted to know was what she named him. He could have blasted out of her uterus screaming “Panama” by Van Halen, or cut his own umbilical cord by shooting lasers out of his tiny baby eyes, and I’d still only care about his name. Holly and her husband Pasquale Rotella named their three-year-old daughter Rainbow Aurora. I crossed my fingers for another name that sounded like a brand of holographic vinyl car wraps. Well, it’s not as bonkers as I was hoping for, but it’s pretty good.
Holly announced her son’s name on Instagram.
“I’m so happy to be at home with a healthy baby boy, Forest Leonardo Antonio Rotella. Thank you for all the kind comments over the past few days.”
(Note from Michael: I hope that kid likes hearing “Run, Forest, ruuun” during P.E.)
Maybe it’s because I’m still a little stoned from reading Megan Fox’s baby’s name, but “Forest Leonardo Antonio” is really painting a picture for me. “Forest Leonardo” sounds like Leonardo’s alter-ego when he goes camping with the rest of the Ninja Turtles. “Leonardo Antonio” is what you get when Leonardo gets a little too drunk by the campfire and tries to put the moves on April O’Neil. Put them all together, and you get the nickname the rest of the turtles call him when he eventually passes out with a bunch of s’mores stuck to his shell. “Oh boy, classic Forest Leonardo Antonio over there.”
Obviously, FLAR’s name is made 10,000 times better when you put it next to his big sister’s. Rainbow and Forest. I really hope science finds a way to make unicorns happen, because if there’s any two kids who need to get their hands on a magical talking unicorn, it’s two children named Rainbow and Forest.