As expected, nepotism’s current pride and joy Kendall Jenner graced the cover of Vogue’s biggest issue of the year, the September issue, with her “comatose deer caught in broken headlights” eyes. This is the second time (third if you count that special “millennial” issue) that a member of Pimp Mama Kris’ koven has been on the cover of American Vogue. So I think that’s the men in white coats’ cue to pry Anna Wintour’s tongue out of the Kardashians’ asshole and drag her into a padded room. The room’s padding will be provided by Chanel, of course.
I know this joke has been made a million times (“That’s never stopped you before, bitch” – you), but Vogue should really change its name to Vague, as in I “vaguely” remember when it was a fashion bible and not a fame whore bible.
I am currently writing this from a hospital bed in the ER. I was brought here after I passed out into a boredom coma from reading Kendull’s interview with Vogue. The truth is, Kendall comes off as the least insufferable member of her koven. But this interview did cause my eyeballs to roll in ways they haven’t before. Vogue tried to fuck our brains with the idea that because of her family, Kendall had to work even harder to make it in the modeling industry. (I’m sure the models who go on 45 failed go-sees a day and share a toilet with 12 other girls truly feel for her.) Vogue’s Jonathan Van Meter wrote the piece and he also dropped in this drool drop of delusion:
In some ways, she is reminiscent of Linda Evangelista, who also knew she wanted to be a model from the time she was a little girl hanging out in her bedroom, practicing her runway walk, cutting up fashion magazines. Both of them essentially willed it to happen, which is rare.
Blasphemy, thy name be that sentence! Anna Wintour better make room in that padded room for Jonathan! The only way Kendall Jenner would be reminiscent of Linda Evangelista to me is if I knocked my head, got amnesia, forgot who Linda Evangelista was and you told me that she’s a dead-eyed model with cardboard charisma who got her career thanks to her family. Then I’d be like, “Oh yeah, this Kendall Jenner is totally reminiscent of Linda Evangelista.”
Kendall did get a slow clap from me when she stamped Pimp Mama Kris’ forehead with the word “LIAR!” by saying that her mom knew about Caitlyn Jenner really early on. PMK claimed that throughout their marriage, she had no idea her husband is transgender. Kendall says that PMK found out during her third date with Bruce. Kall that pimp out, Kendall! But Kendall lost me again with this:
“There’s this woman here—I’m blanking on her name; it will come to me—who drives around town in a hot-pink Corvette.” Angelyne? I say. “There you go! I still see her every once in a while.” Kendall vaguely knows the history. “Someone paid for a bunch of billboards to make her famous or something?” Indeed. Google “famous for being famous” and up pops a Wikipedia entry: “People who have been described as ‘famous for being famous’ include Angelyne, Paris Hilton, Katie Price, and the Kardashian family.”
Who in the HELL grows up in Los Angeles and doesn’t have Angelyne’s name burned into their brain? Angelyne spreads beauty and glamour to all her disciples throughout the land, so she’s practically the Jesus of Los Angeles. And nobody forgets Jesus’ name! “There’s this woman here...” I gasped! That’s what happens when you’re homeskooled by a succubus pimp who teaches you subjects like how to leak your own sex tape instead of teaching you about important figures in history like Angelyne. A child has been left behind and that child’s name is Kendall Jenner. You don’t blank on Angelyne!
Pics: Mert Alas and Marcus Piggott/Vogue