If you’re like 99.99999999% of the internet, then you’re probably not seeing this because for the past two hours or so, you have been nervously chewing on your finger skin while watching a live feed of a hot Emile Hirsch look-alike using suction cups and a harness to climb Trump Tower in Manhattan. (The other 0.0000001% of the internet are doing something called “work.”) I know, cupping is officially back.
No, the Trump Tower climber is not a grown Balloon Boy trying to get attention AGAIN. Some guy from Virginia named Steven is the one who’s sucking on Donald Trump’s tower. (Yes, I hate myself for typing that.) The cops have been breaking windows to try to nab his ass. The news is saying that they heard that Steve is doing it for (wait for it…. wait for it…) attention, specifically attention from Trump. If he wanted Trump’s attention, there was an easier to do it. He should’ve just put on a baby bonnet and cried at one of Trump’s rallies.
At this very moment, Jared Leto is swallowing down a bottle of Propecia to grow his hair out and is ordering giant suction cups on Amazon, because he’s going to be ready when the inevitable Trump Tower Climber movie starts casting. But joke’s on Jared, because Daniel Day-Lewis has already grown his hair out and climbed TWO towers.
And yes, yes, I would.
UPDATE: The cops caught Suction Cup Steve and he apparently endorsed Donald Trump in a video that will haunt every inch of my nightmares tonight.