Conrad Hilton Has Been Released From Prison

August 10, 2016 / Posted by:

Flight attendants everywhere just started nervously sweating through their uniforms while the theme from Jaws played in the their heads. A source has confirmed to People that Paris Hilton’s baby brother, Conrad Hilton III, has been released from prison after two months of a two month sentence. He served all two months. Watch out, famous people – there’s a prison that exists that won’t release you after 24 hours due to “overcrowding.

Conrad was fined $5,000, ordered into a substance abuse program, and put on parole last year after he threw an entitled loser temper tantrum on a British Airways flight to LAX in 2014. Conrad threatened to kill flight attendants and referred to his fellow passengers as “peasants.” Conrad’s parole was revoked in June and a judge sentenced him to two months in prison when he failed several drug tests. Conrad admitted to using weed, synthetic weed, and coke.

So Conrad Hilton has been let loose back into the wild. I hope he manages to keep himself out of trouble this time. Oh, who am I kidding? This is the same person who thought it was a good idea to break into a house while he was on probation. Maybe one of Conrad’s siblings would be willing to keep him on the straight.

Let’s see…there’s Paris, although she might be too busy avoiding ISIS to dedicate the necessary time to her brother. Better yet, maybe Nicky Hilton (wealthy-sounding throat clear noise) Rothschild could step up and give him a job as a nanny? At the very least, it might give Conrad some perspective on that airplane tantrum he threw. All it would take is for one trip to Starbucks around 9am. His “a-ha” moment will come the second his baby niece drops a messy diaper bomb and starts screaming while he’s two customers away from ordering. “Oh crap, I’m trapped, and she won’t stop screaming. Wait, this must have been what it was for those poor flight attendants. My god, what an asshole I was.

Pic: Splash

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