As Expected, “Suicide Squad” Made A Humongous Shit Pile Of Money Over The Weekend

August 8, 2016 / Posted by:

And a teeny tiny piece of money in that humongous pile came from me, because I went to see Suicide Squad yesterday. The reviews were right: it’s a piece of sparkly shit!

  1. It had more holes than a nerd’s over-worn Underoos. There was barely a plot and it seemed like even the main characters were confused about what was going on.
  2. Jared Leto’s Joker was more like a watered down, Hot Topic-fied version of Gary Oldman’s character in True Romance.
  3. Cara Delawhatever’s character gets (SPOILER ALERT) possessed by a witch, but she comes off like she was possessed by a dead AAA battery,  because her “acting” makes Megan Fox look like the most charismatic and natural actress of our time. The Enchantress’ real evil power is the ability to paralyze humans with her shit-tastic acting skills. At one point I was about to jump up and scream, “Okay, okay, I give in! I give in! If you stop acting, I’ll let you turn me into one of your gonorrhea-infested pickle dick soldiers!

But with that being said, I was still entertained and I appreciated the hotness provided by Jai Courtney.

And as we all know, bad reviews don’t really mean much nowadays and Suicide Squad proved that by breaking records at the box office.

Box Office Mojo says that Suicide Squad brought in about $135.1 million in the US, making it the best opening weekend money maker in August. 2014’s Guardians of the Galaxy used to hold the record with $94.3 million. SS also took the record for the biggest opening day in August with $65.2 million. It has made a total of $267 million worldwide. It reportedly cost around $175 million to make.

The Hollywood Reporter says that even though Suicide Squad broke records, its revenue dropped 41% from Friday to Saturday. That 41% drop is a huge one apparently. One “box office expert” says that a gigantic ass movie like Suicide Squad should drop only 30% in its second day. That huge drop could be from people telling their friends what a soft turd it was. Box Office Mojo thinks Suicide Squad could see itself free falling down at least 65% next week. Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice dropped 69.1% in its second weekend.

I know, all those numbers! They hurt my head too. I’m no box office expert, but I’m pretty sure those numbers are a wake-up call to Warner Bros. and DC. Those drop-off numbers should tell them that for the next SS movie they need to give the people what they really, really want, which is zero Cara Delawhatever and 1,000% more topless Jai Courtney. In fact, the Suicide Squad sequel should be nothing but Jai Courtney, Joel Kinnaman and Will Smith bumping sweaty man nipples for 2 hours straight.

And in case you care, here’s what the weekend box office looked like:

1. Suicide Squad – $135.1 million
2. Jason Bourne – $22.7 million
3. Bad Moms – $14.2 million
4. The Secret Life of Pets – $11.6 million
5. Star Trek Beyond – $10.2 million
6. Nine Lives – $6.5 million
7. Lights Out – $6 million
8. Nerve – $4.9 million
9. Ghostbusters – $4.8 million
10. Ice Age: Collision Course – $4.3 million

Based on the fact that Nine Lives (aka that movie where Kevin Spacey actually enters a pussy) made $6.5 million, I’m guessing that hundreds of thousands of parents had to be treated for booze poisoning this weekend, because the only way to sit through that mess is to do it while mainlining gin.

And here’s pictures from London of Margot Robbie, as well as Jared Leto who is continuing in his quest to wear the ugliest crap ever made.


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