Oh, to be a fly on the wall at InTouch Weekly’s offices when the editors got the e-mail confirming that Lindsay Lohan is not pregnant just as they were about to hand Michael Lohan a money order in exchange for exclusive and real ultrasound scans of his knocked up daughter’s fetus.
Proving once again that Michael Lohan spews enough bullshit to keep Home Depot’s manure section fully stocked for decades, Dina Lohan confirms to TMZ that LiLo is not going to pussy burp out a giant freckle with a Russian accent in a few months, because she was never pregnant. LiLo was the first to start the pregnancy rumors by tweeting (and then deleting) about how she was knocked up. Michael Lohan later claimed that LiLo told him in a text that he’s going to be somebody’s grandpappy , but her friend Hofit Golan basically said to not listen to him. Well, Hofit was right, because it turns out that LiLo’s pregnancy was all just a regular Lohan-brand lie.
The ONLY Lohan (besides Nana Lohan) we can trust put out a statement through her daughter’s rep Gina “Not The Jane The Virgin One” Rodriguez saying that LiLo is not pregnant and needs privacy to heal from everything she went through (including a physical beach fight in Mykonos.) White Oprah herself also talked to TMZ and said that LiLo made up the lie to get revenge on her fiancé Egor Tarabasov for allegedly boning a Russian hooker whore on the side. TMZ says that “things got complicated” when pictures came out of LiLo smoking and boozing on a yacht in Italy.
Dina now says Lindsay was distraught and just “overreacted.” She’s not pregnant and wants some time away from Egor, but is not done with him. We’re told Lindsay is still engaged and plans on getting back with him.
Okay, so the jig was up after the paps caught LiLo sucking on a fag and a beer. So what! LiLo should’ve spun it and said that she was drinking a fermented prenatal vitamin formula in a bottle, not beer! And those “cigarettes” were just tubes filled with a kind of vitamin powder that absorbs into your system quicker. Then LiLo could’ve kept the con going and in a few months, “given birth” to a healthy baby that’s really a plastic doll covered in red Sharpie freckles, white powder and self tanner. Egor would’ve never been suspicious and LiLo would’ve been set up with child support money for 18 years! LiLo’s con skills are slipping. White Oprah has been in the hospital for a while or else she would’ve shown her daughter the way.
And here’s LiLo and her friend Little Miss Hofit after hitting up Chopard in Sardinia a few days ago. In possibly related news, Chopard in Sardinia announced that recently, a bunch of their jewelry was stolen and replaced with imposters made from beer bottle glass and tuna can metal.