If You’re Coming For Prince’s Estate, You Better Have The Correct DNA

There’s a hole in the world, and it’s where Prince used to be. Since being raised up to the next plane of existence this past April (upon the wings of purple doves and trailing raw, sexy glamour in his wake), those he left behind want something with which to remember him. To be specific, almost 30 people have laid claim to his reportedly 250 million-dollar estate. Unfortunately, they’re going to have to make due with their Graffiti Bridge VHS tapes, because a judge ruled “no, bitch” in most of their cases.

People reports that Carver County, MN judge Kevin Eide has barred 29 people from trying to make off with the assuredly purple psychedelic-patterned drapes at Paisley Park. Everybody from Prince’s Amazon delivery guy to a girl he sweat on in the front row in 1987 has come forward claiming that their blood runs purple. Most have been shut down. A few have made it in the door. The judge has ordered six people to undergo genetic testing to prove that they’re blood relatives of His Royal Badness. Prince’s known half-siblings Tyka Nelson, Sharon Nelson, Norrine Nelson, and John Nelson will have their DNA poked for proof. Two other women, Brianna Nelson and Victoria Nelson, are claiming that they are his niece and grand-niece and will get pricked as well. Please note that Darcell Johnston didn’t make the cute despite being named after my favorite Solid Gold dancer (with an additional “L”).

“At this point, we’re looking at something that’s probably going to last through the year, at least. It just depends on if everyone agrees with everyone’s claims,” a source previously told PEOPLE about the battle. “It could be done very quickly. It’s just a lot of speculation at this point. Eventually all things will come to appear clear, but it is a slow process.”

Five of the claims thrown out were from people who were adopted hence “severing any relationship to Prince even if he had been their biological father,” or they lacked “crucial documentary proof.” You can’t just show up with “The Love Symbol” tattooed on your ass cheek and expect a check. (Believe me, I tried.)

The man who took the most sensuous and beautiful passport photo of all time died of a prescription drug overdose in April without leaving a will. Why would he have thought about a will? He was supposed 2 live through all space and time and tantalize us with his sex eyes and pouty pucker 4EVA.

Pic: Splash