Kim Kartrashian’s Knipples Are Just As Powerful As Adele’s Vocal Cords

July 28, 2016 / Posted by:

Harper’s Bazaar’s September issue should’ve been called the “Necrophilia Issue,” because that picture has about as much sexiness and charisma as a picture of a crime scene photographer taking a picture of a dead body. No disrespect to crime scene photographers and dead bodies.

The publishers of Harper’s Bazaar are probably going to be hit with a class action lawsuit from subscribers who no longer have eyeballs because that shit rolled out of their faces and out the door while reading the magazine’s Q&A with Kanye West and Kim Kartrashian. It reads like one of those Facebook quizzes filled out by a fart bubble and a queef bubble.

Executive editor of Harper’s Laura Brown asked Kim and Kanye basic questions (examples: “What’s your hidden talent?” and “How much do you sleep?“) and her dingle-embedded mind sharted up riveting answers like, “I can smell when someone has a cavity,” and his tampon lint-covered brain burped up thrilling answers like, “ I can sleep. I love sleep.

Laura tried to get into the Taylor Swift crap and asked them what their favorite Tay song is. But Kim only said that she really used to like the dehydrated blanched asparagus spear and Kanye said that none of Taylor’s songs are his favorite. And they also squirted out some corroded nuggets about Kanye claiming he’s broke and Kim’s man-made body being as important to the world as the nightingale music notes that float out of Adele’s mouth:

Kummy Kakes on her biggest insecurity: I would say looking fat sometimes. I really do take it seriously. I try to do what I can and diet and stay in shape, and it does make me insecure when I’m heavy.

Kanye on his biggest insecurity: I used to have insecurity about my finances, then I announced that I had debt, and now I don’t have any insecurities.

Kanye proving that he’s the Donald Trump of hip-hop:  I think my sense of humor is really dark and super twisted and stuff like that. It’s like, “Is this a funny joke for real? Or am I just rich?” See? That was funny.

Kummy Kakes proving that she’s really the komedian in the koven: I wish I had a little bit more privacy.

Kanye on how Kim’s body is really important to the world: I love her nude selfies. Like, I love the ones from the side, the back ones, and the front. I just love seeing her naked; I love nudity. And I love beautiful shapes. I feel like it’s almost a Renaissance thing, a painting, a modern version of a painting. I think it’s important for Kim to have her figure. To not show it would be like Adele not singing.

We all could write a million jokes about that last one, but why bother when Kanye pretty much explained himself by saying this during the interview:

Here’s something that’s contrary to popular belief: I actually don’t like thinking. I think people think I like to think a lot. And I don’t. I do not like to think at all.

“We know” said everyone who read that Adele shit.

Kunty Karl took the creepy pictures for the shoot and they’re a cross between “world’s most lifeless stock photos” and “world’s most lifeless porn.”

Pics: Kunty Karl/Harper’s Bazaar

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