It seemed like for a quick minute or two the world’s one-time leading producer of fuckery, Lindsay Lohan, was laying low and that the messiness in her messy life had settled down a bit. But over the weekend, she let out a freckled storm of foolery when she claimed in several Instagram posts that her Russian trust fund fiancé piece Egor Tarabasov had done her wrong by passing his peen to a Russian prostitution whore-ah. Child services in London also called a red siren emergency meeting when LiLo made it seem like an actual living thing is growing in her womb. Reading LiLo’s incoherent Instagram posts made me think that maybe Apple should install a feature that locks you out of all of your social media accounts when you put your finger on your iPhone and it detects that you’ve got massive amounts of mind-altering substances flowing through you. But then again if Apple did that, use on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook and Snapchat would plummet since it seems like 50% of the people posting on social media are drunk or cracked out. And yes, I’m including myself in that 50%.
LiLo becoming someone’s mother is serious, serious business, but shit got really serious and darker when The Sun posted a grainy video of her screaming on the balcony of her fancy London flat about how her Russian piece allegedly choked her out and tried to kill her. The video made my brain flashback to 2009 when LiLo and SamRo used to reenact scenes from Casino in front of the paps.
One of LiLo’s across-the-street neighbors gave The Sun the video, which looks like it was shot on a 10-day-old tater tot (not even a whole potato). LiLo’s neighbors say that at 5am on Sunday, they woke up when their ear drums got a sanding from the “Harvey Fierstein after gargling with rusty nails” voice that came out of her mouth as she screamed on her balcony. LiLo’s voice may have been extra hoarse from getting strangled by Egor. LiLo wanted everyone in London to know that Egor strangled her, and when he tried to talk to her, she screeched at him to get out. LiLo screamed this out:
“Please please please. He just strangled me. He almost killed me. Everybody will know. Get out of my house. Do it. I dare you again. You’re fucking crazy. You sick fuck. You need help. It’s my house get out of my house. I’m done. I don’t love you anymore. You tried to kill me. You’re a fucking psycho. We are finished.
No Egor you’ve been strangling me constantly. You can’t strangle a woman constantly and beat the shit out of her and think it’s ok. Everybody saw you touch me. It’s filmed. Get out! Get out.”
And here’s the video:
Neighbors called the bobbies who had to break open LiLo’s front door because she didn’t answer. They found her place empty. The police say that they didn’t make any arrests because no crime was committed. The cops later met up with LiLo and determined that she was fine. A source tells TMZ that LiLo has told her friends that shit between her and Egor has gotten violent at times. She reportedly flew out of London by herself this morning, and she still had her engagement ring on.
LiLo posted a note today asking for everyone to busy themselves with more important things (like getting turnt up for Nice) and to not pay attention to the messiness that she aired on Instagram in the first place:
I would appreciate if these speculations regarding my personal life would respectfully come to a halt. Unfortunately, a private matter has become more public than I can control and I would be extremely grateful if my fiancé and myself could discuss our personal matters on our own. There are more important things going on in the world than our relationship. Please leave us be to solve our personal matters.
LiLo’s parents, Michael Lohan and White Oprah, must be so confused by that note. Does this mean they have to cancel their planned paid interviews with Inside Edition, Radar, The National Enquirer, InTouch Weekly and anybody else who will pass them a cashier’s check in exchange for spilling shit about their daughter? No, that’s silly talk. LiLo wouldn’t want them to have to get a real job, now would she?