Lindsay Lohan, perhaps unsatisfied with the amount of attention that her most recent Instagram foolery (think “mail-order brides for peace“) afforded her, called her fiancé out for cheating in a multi-platform social media meltdown. In multiple posts, Linds begged her Russian millionaire betrothed Egor Tarabasov to come home from the club, and accused him of cheating on her with a Russian hooker. Isn’t that sort of thing how she met him? Oh, and she also claimed that she’s pregnant. I’ll wait while you microwave a breakfast burrito because a lot went down.
UsWeekly says that Lilo began to slake her unending thirst for attention by posting a Snapchat video on Friday night captioned “ET phone home.” Don’t you dare bring E.T. in this! In the video, she begs Egor to come home because she’s hydrated now? Don’t you dare bring water into this!
“My fiancé’s being really angry at me, but I’m drinking water to get him to come home. Honey, come home, please.”
Loha staggered from Snapchat to Instagram on Saturday, posting a photo of the two of them with Egor’s face scribbled out. It was accompanied by monkey emojis, some bullshit about “art,” and a Cher lyric. Don’t you dare bring Cher into this!
He wore black and I wore white…. I guess #art is whatever you make of it.
And then we get to the good stuff!
I guess I was the same at 23… Shitty time- it changes at 26/27 @e2505t thanks for not coming home tonight. Fame changes people
I’m not sure what changed for Lohan at “26/27.” Lohan is 30 and still entertaining us with her parched ways. Is it different because she’s no longer blaming black guys for her antics? Lohan must have switched out her воды for vodka by this point because she started naming names while confirming she’s engaged.
Wow thanks #fiance with Russian hooker @dasha_pa5h
UsWeekly helpfully informs us that @dasha_pa5h is the Instagram handle for one Dasha Pashevkina. That account is closed, possibly because the Apricot Ashtray (thank you, Allison) allegedly provided the world with Dasha’s e-mail and home addresses in a separate post. She took that one down. Even White Oprah must have thought that was a dick move.
“It’s legal if you’re selling yourself and not a Russian from #moscow right my baby @e2505t,”
That post tagged Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump. Does she want them to bomb Dasha? Does she think someone already gave Trump the keys to the car? Delusion is real. As for Lohan referring to someone else as a hooker, *inserts Lucille Bluth giving side-eye GIF*.
Wait, there’s more (of course there’s more, this is Lohan)! She then Instagrammed a video of Igor Taragonbasco hanging out at a club. I was able to watch it before she took it down. It was just him talking to some dudes at a club. I didn’t see him bottle-servicing a Russian hooker in it but maybe I missed something. The caption read:
Home? First time in my life- bare with me/ he cheated on me with hooker #meangirls#meanboysu b.
Is there another, stronger Lucille Bluth GIF? Notice the misspelling of her intended use of “bear.” Do you think that “bare” was her subtle way of getting the word out that she’s open for business again? By “business,” I mean another deluded sap out there with money to burn on freckled mercenary snatch and for whom English is a second language? (That just makes it easier.)
LiLo finished up speaking her truth on Instagram by posting another pic of Egor. It was accompanied by a caption in a language I can only title “Drunk As Fuck-ese.”
You’re suits are As only as myself, Roman and and tags ahi. Wiggins v
Wait, what? Ahi tuna? Who’s Wiggins? The comments on that one mostly consist of her followers asking her to translate. That’s what happens when vodka, AutoCorrect, and whatever floor cleaner you’re inhaling for recreational purposes team up to make art! Lindsay then bid Instagram adieu, and headed on over to Twitter. That’s where she posted a link to a still of her pregnant from her 2009 flick Labour Pains and announced her pregnancy.
— LW (@lindseyweber) July 24, 2016
I hope she’s not pregnant. If that last Instagram caption was indicative of what substances she might have been partying with this weekend, that baby is going to come out with four of everything. You can check out screenshots from Lohan’s Instagram weekend below. Or you can just huff oven cleaner and hang out a window facing the street while screaming “LOOK AT ME!” Same thing.