Licking On Donuts Cost Ariana Grande A White House Performance

July 23, 2016 / Posted by:

Those eyes! The photographer was able to capture truly the fiendish imp that dwells within her! We learned this week that, much like The Blair Witch Project, The Fappening has a sequel. It’s called The Fappening 2: Fuck The DNC. Russia recently infodumped a whole mess of e-mails (20,000!) belonging to high-ranking Democratic National Committee officials via Wikileaks. Besides hating on Bernie Sanders, the leak revealed that Ariana Grande licked herself right out of a gig. Well, the “I hate Americans. I Hate America.” utterances probably didn’t help her, either.

Gawker reports (via the DNC hack that once again proves we should all just go back to paper and pen) Mimi Lite was in consideration to perform at an unnamed White House “gala“for President Obama. (Apparently the kids in Finance are big fans.) Finance chair Zachary Allen asked that Ariana be vetted before they let her hide the fact that she can’t dance from POTUS.

“Ariana Butera,” Deputy Compliance Director Kevin wrote in an incredibly detailed response. “Video caught her licking other peoples’ donuts while saying she hates America; Republican Congressman used this video and said it was a double standard that liberals were not upset with her like they are with Trump who criticized Mexicans; cursed out a person on Twitter after that person used an offensive word towards her brother,”

FYI – “Ariana Grande-Butera” is her real name. So Ariana’s ass was vetted. She was vetted to a crazy extent. They even noted how she tried to blame fat people for #Donutgate. Nevertheless, a guy by the name of (no, really and oh, this poor guy when he was a kid) Bobby Schmuck vetoed the donut-licking USA hater. He vetoed her very simply.

Nope, sorry.

Yes, you’ve been shut down by a guy named Schmuck. Schmuck was right. What if she started licking the various whore derves and desserts at that gala? What if she touched her tongue to several people’s crème brûlées before taking the stage to awkwardly “sexy frug” for POTUS? Thank you, Russia, for bringing this valuable intel to our attention.

Pic: Splash

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