This DRAMA Is What You Came For

July 13, 2016 / Posted by:

And I don’t mean “came” like that. Or maybe I do. I don’t know what kind of weird kink you’re into.

“This Is What You Came For” peaked at #4 on the Billboard Hot 100 in the US and reached the top 10 in many, many other countries. It’s become one of Calvin Harris’ biggest hits, if not his biggest. That song has approximately 3 lyrics total (including all those OooooOooooohs) and those lyrics were written by evil cornhusk doll Taylor Swift. TMZ first burped up the news this morning, and Taylor’s rep later told People that it’s 100% true. TMZ’s source (hi, Olivia Benson!) said that the song is ultimately what broke up the giraffe love between Taylor and Calvin. And Calvin had a lot to say about that and even dragged Taylor’s forever nemesis Katy Perry into it. I love it when us losers and loners get to gather around the green circle table in the corner of the junior high school cafeteria and watch as the popular kids publicly tear each other apart. It’s better than square pizza Fridays.

Shortly after Calvin released TIWYCF, Swifties suspected that she not only sang bits on it, but also wrote some of it. TMZ says that rumor is true. Taylor wrote the song by herself at her piano and did a demo on her iPhone, which she sent to Calvin. Calvin’s ears loved what she sent him, and they went into the studio together to do a full demo. The source says that Taylor and Calvin both felt it was wrong for everyone to know they did the song together, because they felt like their relationship would overshadow it. So RiRi did the vocals and Tay Tay yodeled a bit on the “OoooooOooooh” part. Taylor used the pseudonym “Nils Sjoberg” on the song’s credits. This song has probably humped its way into your ear holes at least 5,000 times already, but just in case it hasn’t, here it is:

On the day it was released, Calvin whored it out on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show. The frosty-tipped goblin asked Calvin if he’d ever work with Taylor and he dribbled this out, “You know, we haven’t even spoken about it. I can’t see it happening though.” That answer was the fist that pounded Taylor’s heart-shaped strawberry cupcake of a heart into a thousand pieces. Calvin betraying her like that helped to push her into the office of Tom Hiddleston’s publicist to sign their relationship contract into Tom Hiddleston’s arms.

Since Taylor owns the publishing rights to the song, she can pull a Calvin Harris by blocking him from performing it. Calvin did that spiteful shit to the biggest Who in Whoville, Rita Ora, after they broke up.

Calvin has been quiet-ish about his break-up from Taylor, but the news about his song pushed him to the edge and he let it out on Twitter today. At first, Calvin played nice by saying that Taylor is an “amazing lyric writer” and that she sang on the song too. Once he got that fake niceness out of the way, he EXPOSED her as a mean girl trapped in the body of an air dancer. I was going to call her “Regina Georgelike Katy Perry did, but Taylor wishes she had it like RG. But anyway, take it away Calvin!

calvinvstayloragainthisiswhatyoucame

Oh, Calvin, Calvin… Look at him trying to go up against the Jedi Master of PR! Taylor is probably not going to respond, because she’s focusing on other things, like choreographing the dance that she and Tom Hiddleston will do to This Is What You Came For on Calvin Harris’ GRAVE!

And here’s Tom doing the “what the hell have I done?” strut on the Gold Coast in Australia yesterday.

Pics: Instagram, Splash

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