Jennifer Aniston Has Had It With All The Pregnancy Rumors

July 12, 2016 / Posted by:

You could probably wallpaper the Great Wall of China two times over with a different tabloid cover claiming that forever lonely moth ball of a sadling Jennifer Aniston has finally gotten knocked up with the fetus she’s been dreaming of her entire life. We’ve been hearing about what’s going on in Jennifer Aniston’s womb for centuries, and if she never has kids, we’ll probably see the words “Jennifer Aniston Knocked Up With Miracle Quads At 100!” on the cover of Closer Weekly in 53 years. Jennifer has said before that the tabloids fart up nothing but lies, and she’s made fun of the pregnancy rumors in ad for SmartWater. But Jennifer is done laughing about all the 5 billion rumors about her uterus, and she has shit all over the tabloids in an essay for the Huffington Post. Oh how I wish I could hear the “Bitch, really?” that a tabloid editor will spit out the next time Jennifer’s PR team calls up asking for a favor….

Jennifer’s essay is titled “For The Record,” and she starts off by saying that she’s not pregnant, but she is “fed up.” She’s specifically fed up with how the tabloids put up a magnifying glass to every inch of her body. Jen writes that the way the tabloids treat women is warping the minds of little girls and the standard of beauty.

The way I am portrayed by the media is simply a reflection of how we see and portray women in general, measured against some warped standard of beauty. Sometimes cultural standards just need a different perspective so we can see them for what they really are — a collective acceptance… a subconscious agreement. We are in charge of our agreement. Little girls everywhere are absorbing our agreement, passive or otherwise. And it begins early. The message that girls are not pretty unless they’re incredibly thin, that they’re not worthy of our attention unless they look like a supermodel or an actress on the cover of a magazine is something we’re all willingly buying into. This conditioning is something girls then carry into womanhood. We use celebrity “news” to perpetuate this dehumanizing view of females, focused solely on one’s physical appearance, which tabloids turn into a sporting event of speculation. Is she pregnant? Is she eating too much? Has she let herself go? Is her marriage on the rocks because the camera detects some physical “imperfection”?

Last month, InTouch Weekly posted pictures of Jennifer’s belly not looking completely flat while she was on vacation, and they used those pics to say that she’s got a CASE OF THE BABIES for the 45 millionth time. That cover seemed to be what really set Jennifer off:

This past month in particular has illuminated for me how much we define a woman’s value based on her marital and maternal status. The sheer amount of resources being spent right now by press trying to simply uncover whether or not I am pregnant (for the bajillionth time… but who’s counting) points to the perpetuation of this notion that women are somehow incomplete, unsuccessful, or unhappy if they’re not married with children. In this last boring news cycle about my personal life there have been mass shootings, wildfires, major decisions by the Supreme Court, an upcoming election, and any number of more newsworthy issues that “journalists” could dedicate their resources towards.

Jennifer declared that she’s totally done with being painted as a baby-hungry baby fiend whose life won’t be complete without a baby.

I have grown tired of being part of this narrative. Yes, I may become a mother some day, and since I’m laying it all out there, if I ever do, I will be the first to let you know. But I’m not in pursuit of motherhood because I feel incomplete in some way, as our celebrity news culture would lead us all to believe. I resent being made to feel “less than” because my body is changing and/or I had a burger for lunch and was photographed from a weird angle and therefore deemed one of two things: “pregnant” or “fat.” Not to mention the painful awkwardness that comes with being congratulated by friends, coworkers and strangers alike on one’s fictional pregnancy (often a dozen times in a single day).

You can read Jennifer’s entire essay here. The tabloids come out tomorrow, so we’ll probably have to wait until next week when Star, Life & Style, InTouch, UsWeekly or OK! put her on the cover with the headline:

Jen Announces “Yes, I [Am] Becom[ing] A Mother!” In A Blog Post!

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