Yes, newlyweds Ciara and Russell Wilson finally had sex. Although this probably isn’t new news for those of you who were born with supersonic hearing. I’m sure that about six seconds after Ciara and Russell said “I do” on Wednesday, you were probably able to detect the sound of Ciara breaking the sound barrier as she sprinted at Mach 5 to her honeymoon suite and throwing a “Do Not Disturb” sign on the doorknob.
When Russell Wilson started dating Ciara about a year ago, he let it be known that his Christian penis wasn’t 1-2 stepping into Ciara’s pussy. Despite the fact that Russell had been married once before, he wanted to keep it pure until marriage. Ciara was ok with that, and thus began Russell and Ciara’s Celibacy Journey. A journey that their parts clearly got a little impatient of being on; less than a year they got engaged, which was followed by a wedding only a couple months after that. I don’t blame them for hitting the fast forward button. Imagine wanting to fuck, but the only thing stopping you was a priest and a couple rings and a gift table full of fancy-wrapped toasters? Terrible.
Anyway, TMZ says that Ciara announced the news that Russell had gotten all up in her goodies by Snapchatting a Blair Witch-looking video of the two of them making “We had seeex!” faces and not-so-subtly implying that it happened more than once.
As for what it was like, a source tells HollywoodLife that Russell cried after it happened. Are we sure those were tears? Russell has been holding it for so long, there’s a good chance that was leftover nut juice that needed to find an emergency exit after the cabin pressure in his penis dropped.
Russell and Ciara obviously needed to give their crotches a break from all the fucking they’re doing, because here they are out shopping in London yesterday. Or maybe they’re actually just doing a quick lube run? I’m sure if we wait long enough, they’ll Snapchat us the answer.