There will be some of you who think this is a picture of Serena Williams at Wimbledon. Others who have no idea what tennis is might think it’s a picture of a lady in a white turtleneck dress holding an invisible Shake Weight. But for some people on the internet, all they see is nipples. NIPPLES! So many nipples! Shield your eyes! Get the kids out of the room! NSFW!!!
According to The Daily Mail, some people watching Serena’s recent semi-finals match at home were having a really difficult time because their eyes kept getting distracted by Serena’s nipples. I’m sure this is where you’re wondering “Distracting, how?” Like, were they yelling shit out on the court? Were they constantly winking at the ball boy? Were they Snapchatting every play and using the doggy face filter on the ref? No. They were just there, in high definition on people’s televisions. And it got them so upset, they took to Twitter to complain. “Should I fill them in on the irony of complaining about nipples on a platform in which the mascot belongs to a species that includes the Booby and the Tit?” thought the Twitter bird.
The Daily Mail has compiled a collection of tweets about Serena Williams’ nipples, and in their words, people are “outraged.” But they’re pretty much what you’d expect from online Nipple Haters. Stuff like “Pls put them away” and “Serena Williams’ nipples are literally in HD.” Yes, believe it, that last one was a complaint.
In case you care more about Serena Williams than her nipples, she recently advanced to the finals. If she wins, it will be her sixth Wimbledon win.
To paraphrase Tommy Lee Jones, I cannot sanction this buffoonery. Nipples are like built-in flare; they have the ability to bring a certain je ne sais quoi to any ensemble. But what if you don’t want your nipples out there? Too damn bad, nipples are unpredictable! If a nipple wants to pop out and say “haaaay!” to everyone, they’re going to do it and no amount of fabric will stop them. Nipples are the no-fucks-given grandma of the human body. You can’t fight them, they’re going to do whatever they want!